Grand Theft Auto V is coming soon. With a trailer debuting from Rockstar Games November 2nd, speculation is running wild as to where the game will be set (a fictional analogue of Washington, D.C.? Los Angeles?) and who the main character will be (a woman?). Team Unwinnable is wondering the same thing, but we’re pretty sure it will involve a criminal, lots of driving and an elaborate Scorsese-style plot.
And bottom line, no matter what it is, we’re going to play it. So rather than discuss what will be revealed tomorrow, we’ve taken a page from the old Marvel What If…? comics and have been talking about what could have been. And who knows? As silly as some of these ideas may seem, it was just as far-fetched five years ago to think that a game about cowboys would wind up being one of the best in recent memory…
Grand Theft Congo
Time Period: 1990
Protagonist Name: Kingondo Lindo (No relation to Delroy)
Protagonist Occupation: Mercenary Guerrilla
Character Quirk: Wants to be a florist
Story: Taking place during a Ugandan civil war, Kingondo has to escort a group of American scientists and their pet gorilla who knows sign language on a glorious romp involving Solomon’s Mines, albino silverback gorillas and sesame cake. Can you say instant classic?
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Africa,” by Toto
– George Collazo
Grand Theft Pinky
Time Period: 1989
Protagonist Name: Hans
Protagonist Occupation: Smuggler
Character Quirk: Takes care of his grandma
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Another Brick in the Wall,” by Pink Floyd
– Jen Sisco
Grand Theft Scalped
Setting: South Dakota
Time Period: Present Day
Protagonist Name: Charlie Iron Knife
Protagonist Occupation: Small Time Crook
Character Quirk: Charlie honors the traditions and customs of his native American heritage by participating in tribal dancing. The better he dances the more respect he gets from the community. (Rhythm mini game!)
Story: Charlie, a Native American, wants to get revenge on those that have crossed him. The corrupt local sheriff kills his father and Charlie’s path to vengeance is to become the chief of the local reservation. Where his father wanted the respect of the comity and to honor their values and traditions, Charlie becomes short-sighted and only looks at the prize – to build a casino.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Cherokee People,” by Paul Revere and the Raiders
– Chuck Moran
Grand Theft Socialist Coup d’Etat
Time Period: 1974
Protagonist Name: Jose Ortega
Protagonist Occupation: Socialist Activist
Character Quirk: Twists mustache as a nervous tic
Story: Shadowed in dictatorship, Jose is a low-level union worker with a chip on his shoulder. His love for his country moves him to support a socialist party and carry out unspeakable acts to regain control of España.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Low Rider,” by War
– Dave Trainer
Grand Theft Rumspringa
Time Period: Present Day
Protagonist Name: Jebediah Smith
Protagonist Occupation: Wayward Farmer
Character Quirk: Secretly likes technology
Story: Jebediah leaves the Amish Country of Lancaster to see the big city of Philadelphia. He is shocked to find a harsh world of sinning prostitutes, drug dealers and smut peddlers when he arrives. After getting wrapped up with an atheist girl and accidentally killing her connected boyfriend, Jebediah has a debt to pay.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Horse With No Name,” by America
– Erik Weinbrecht
Grand Theft Grunge
Time Period: 1990
Protagonist Name: Claude
Protagonist occupation: Barista/bassist for local band
Character quirk: Doesn’t really like flannel
Story: Before he made his bones in Liberty City, Claude lived in the relatively quiet confines of the rainy Pacific Northwest. But there’s something about that new girl Catalina that was just hired to work the register at the coffee shop…Features an all-new weather modeling engine that can accurately render Seattle weather, from misty drizzle to full-on downpour (although the game will be delayed when early testing reveals sunshine).
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Girl U Want,” by Soundgarden
– Don Becker
Grand Theft Flying Taxi
Time Period: 2160
Protagonist Name: Ahmad
Protagonist Occupation: Taxi Driver – but the taxis of the future fly!
Character Quirk: He hates talk radio
Story: Ahmad, an American of Arab descent, ends up being chased by mobsters when he comes into the possession of a mysterious package. When he attempts to return it, he gets sucked into the world of violence, crime, women and drugs. His ailing father needs medicine, so Ahmad decides to play along in order to get money to help him. But he continues to work for the mobsters, even after he gets enough money. Why? Revenge – Ahmad has a dark secret that only he knows.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Que Sera Sera,” by Doris Day
– Brian Bannen
Grand Theft Midnight Express
Setting: Ankara, Turkey
Time Period: 1975
Protagonist Name: Bob Thompson
Protagonist occupation: Student/Heroin Smuggler
Character Quirk: Thought Turkey would be a good place to smuggle heroin from
Story: Bob is an American student living in Turkey. Explore a lavishly detailed Ankara, find hidden fezzes, go to the hookah bar with your scumbag friends – but do it quick! You only have access to the city until mission three, when your plan to smuggle heroin out of the country goes awry and you wind up in a Turkish prison. Once in prison, make friends with more awful people, revel in your own filth and try to avoid the horrific prison sex mini game while you plan your escape.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Theme from Midnight Express,” by Giorgio Moroder
– Stu Horvath
Grand Theft Blue Heaven
Time period: 1985
Protagonist Name: Jimmy New York
Protagonist Occupation: Bouncer
Character Quirk: Has a heart of gold (don’t they all?)
Story: Jimmy is a mob enforcer who needs to get out of New York in a hurry. He leaves for Minnesota, hoping to make a new start, but finds the seedy underbelly of Minneapolis just as unforgiving as New York City. You will spend most of the game drinking and bouncing back and forth between the Twin Cities trying to keep your cokehead girlfriend one step ahead of the local mob boss and trying not to freeze in the Minnesota winter. The game’s climax will be a misguided attempt to escape the police in a snow plow.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: The soundtrack is Purple Rain in its entirety
– John McGuire
Grand Theft Texas is the Reason
Setting: Somewhere in Texas
Time Period: 1992
Protagonist Name: Johnny “Tex” Austin
Story: You start out as a lowly moonshiner and progress to a high-level meth dealer. In between missions, you can ride a mechanical bull, get into a bar fight, beat up your girlfriend/sister and brand your enemies. Don’t forget to fuel up at the local BBQ and work up a sweat in the Run for the Border mini game.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Beers, Steers & Queers,” by the Revolting Cocks
– Kenneth J. Lucas
Grand Theft Pizza Delivery
Setting: Suburban New Jersey
Time Period: Present Day
Protagonist Name: Rod
Protagonist Occupation: Pizza Delivery Man
Character Quirk: Keeps telling his boss, Gino, that one day his bachelor’s degree in philosophy will get him somewhere. Often quotes Nietzsche in order to get better tips. This fails.
Plot: One day, Rod delivers a pizza to a known mob front coffee shop. When he arrives there, everyone is dead. As he goes to leave, he encounters the first cop on the scene, a dirty cop named Fritz. Fritz thinks Rod is the hitman, so he gives Rod a paper bag full of cash and thanks him. We later find out that the assassin was actually killed in the coffee shop. Fritz tells the mob about Rod and they chase him around the city. Rod spends the whole game ducking cops and crooks alike.
Best Song on the Soundtrack: “Running Up that Hill,” by Kate Bush
– Ian Gonzales