The Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Vietnam DLC hits today for both the Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network and many a member of Team Unwinnable couldn’t be more excited.
Maybe too excited.
Dear Reader, I present to you a sordid multiplayer underbelly, where bloodlust, patriotism and innuendo meet, where men go down fighting, again and again, and jokes are as plentiful as bullets.
It all began, appropriately enough, on the Fourth of July.
We had gathered together after the local fireworks display to play some rounds of Super Street Fighter IV and possibly watch a movie. In the midst of our flurry of Hadoukens and Shoryukens, an Xbox Live message notification from Unwinnable’s own Charles Francis Moran VI appeared. We paused the battle to read the following:
It didn’t take long for our group to steamroll over the fact that Chuck was merely inviting me to play Battlefield and turn it into something much more tawdry (in fairness, Chuck also refers to Red Dead Redemption as ‘the cowboy game,’ which sounds just as suspect). It took about five minutes before someone thought to take a photo of the screen and post it to Facebook. Once it was up, we each took our shots at it via our smart phones.
George Collazo: If you need a third, I’ll totally cover you asses.
Jen Sisco: Who is taking up the rear?
Tracy Miller: Don’t forget to stick and move!
John “Hambone” McGuire: “No atheists in foxholes.”
Stu Horvath: Are you guys talking about gay sex?
The next day, Dave Trainer posted: Our safe word was “America.”
A few weeks ago, the whole affair flared up again. This time, though, it was even more sordid. You see, our friend Jose just returned from several months spent in his Spanish homeland. He picked up Battlefield on a lark and had played a couple multiplayer sessions with Chuck, but no one told Dave. The secret came out when we all got together, with the exception of Chuck, at my place – this time to watch the extremely heterosexual sport of MMA.
It started with a text:
Jose: Can’t. I’m not home right now.
Chuck: Come on, you know you want to get some BFing in. How long till you are home? I can’t wait.
Jose, of course, read the exchange aloud to the group, prompting Dave to respond:
Dave: You BFed with Jose without telling me. I can feel nothing anymore.
Chuck: Jose was able to give me something you seemed to have forgotten how to do.
Dave: You’ve changed.
Chuck: No, sir, you are the one that has changed.
Not one to miss out on a good dogpile, Ian joined the fray:
Ian: You’re BFing Jose?!?
Chuck: I am. We BF’d this afternoon. It was awesome. Dave knows and I don’t care.
And, of course, I would be remiss in my duties as a host if I hadn’t added something. Plus, considering my long history with Chuck playing the Battlefield 2 and Battlefield 2142 on PC, I felt personally invested:
Stu: You never ask me to BF.
Chuck: Bullshit! That is a lie and you know it. I can hardly ever tear you away from that stupid kingdom you care so much about. I didn’t walk out on you, you just stopped caring. We had something before all this and you know it.
In the end, though, there was reconciliation:
Dave: Let me know next time you BF. I’ll be third man in.
Chuck: Hey, if you, me, Jose and Stu get together, it could be vicious. Curious?
Dave: Mmmmm hmmmmm.
Like I said before. Sordid.