Female Stereotypes Perfect for Hideo Kojima’s Games

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Hideo Kojima once reminded me—not personally, but the people of the internet—that when I discovered the shocking reason behind Quiet, the female sniper from Metal Gear Solid V, and her attire of torn fishnet stockings, leather thongs and a cloth that doubles up as a makeshift bra, I would be ashamed of my words and deeds. Spoiler alert: Quiet dresses the way she does because she had to go through some form of parasite treatment, which means she needs to take in nourishment by photosynthesizing like a plant: she breathes, eats and drinks through her skin. In other words, she needs to be as naked as possible for the sake of her survival.

Had this been the plot to a pornographic film, I would have sniggered a little and went, “Oh man, these folks will do anything for a woman to be naked!” You see, nudity in porn is pretty prevalent, and most people don’t usually watch porn for its plot or logic. I think. But for Metal Gear Solid, a series long celebrated for its narrative excellence and mature themes, that explanation was so contrived I felt more bemused than righteously ashamed.

Rob Rich perfectly explained why this revelation was problematic, so I won’t be delving into that. What I want to highlight is that Kojima is planning to keep this tradition of disguising sexism as character development in his future games, including the upcoming Death Stranding. “What I really want to avoid is, like you see in some games, characters with big breast with no back story. If I make characters that at first glance might look like this, then they’ll have a deep background story to give a specific reason why,” said Kojima in a recent interview with BBC.

Well, color me intrigued sir. I would like to humbly offer him some ideas on how he can dress up some of the most criminally rampant female stereotypes in videogames with a plausible backstory. Get ready to be ashamed:

Buxom blonde: This lady is so abnormally busty that it’s a wonder her spine hasn’t snapped yet. She is dressed in an impossibly tight, fluorescent-pink spandex bodysuit that accentuates every single part of her body, including her veins. Her heaving breasts saved her life in a fire accident years ago as they are actually oxygen tanks, and she is constantly in her bodysuit because it is literally grafted on her skin. It’s fireproof, though.

Wielder of killer heels: She’s a true-blue femme fatale, handy with both a sword and a whip. Although it may seem impractical at first, her costume of choice is a pair of killer heels and a long flowy dress. However, only her closest friend cum love interest knows that these heels are the only things keeping her alive. Without them, her legs will crumble into dust within a few minutes, due to an experiment conducted on her as a prisoner-of-war.

Perfect hourglass figure: She is endowed with the perfect hourglass figure, with a waist so narrow that it’s almost as if she doesn’t have ribs. The truth is that she doesn’t have ribs, having lost them in brutal combat. That is also why she wears a corset, to hold her body in place.

Female Norman Reedus: If Norman Reedus is not the protagonist of Death Stranding, Kojima might want to consider having a female Reedus in the game instead. Like the Walking Dead actor in the trailer, she will be completely naked, except for a pair of strategically placed leaves on her nipples and a ribbon on her head. The camera will always be focused on her posterior, but that’s because a life-saving surgery has transplanted her eyes there. She will never wear pants again.