Summer Fun Games

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  • The following is a reprint from Unwinnable Weekly Special Summer Fun Issue. If you enjoy what you read, please consider purchasing the issue or subscribing for the year.

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    For the beach:
    DON’T DROWN
    This game is a time-honored classic. Swim far out into the ocean and don’t drown. If you drown, you have lost the game. If you return to the beach safely, you win! Bonus points for swimming back without lifeguard assistance. Experienced players may increase their challenge by eating a filling meal immediately before entering the ocean.

    For the back yard:
    SLEEP IT OFF
    This game can be played with any number of players. First, purchase a sufficient amount of alcohol, then drink until your vision begins to tunnel. Fall asleep on a lawn chair, blanket or hammock. You’ve won!

    For the ‘burbs:
    CAPTURE THE FLAGS
    A thrilling push-your-luck game set against the backdrop of the American Dream. Players compete to see how many stars and stripes they can misappropriate from neighbors’ lawns; the first player to be shot and/or deported loses.

    For the woods:
    HUNTING HUMANS
    A time honored tradition among the elite and wealthy, the game of hunting humans only requires the woods, weapons, hunters and, obviously, humans. Where this human quarry comes from, well, that information is kept private thanks to the millions of dollars spent by the hunters (Hint: they’re mostly drifters and prisoners). Beware of crafty martial artists with French accents and that guy who looks like the singer from the band Body Count.

    For the pool:
    SINK THE BISMARCK
    One player is designated as the wounded battleship Bismarck and is only allowed to paddle in circles due to a damaged rudder. The rest of the players stand at the edges of the pool and pelt the Bismarck with tennis balls until the fight has been sufficiently gallant and British honor is satisfied.

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