The Craptacular Spider-Man: Turn Off the Pain Part 2

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    Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark posterPreviously in The Craptacular Spider-Man: Carmen DeLuccia and her boyfriend braved the streets of New York City to catch the first preview of Julie Taymor’s newest epic musical, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.  Instead of being treated to ol’ Webhead’s origin, they saw the origin of… Arachne?!

    We finally meet Peter. Blah blah blah… picked on in school… blah blah… crush on MJ….all standard stuff….glossed over, but standard. Our hero finds himself at the Osborn Corporation, which looks like a mash up of Flash Gordon, 1970’s Doctor Who and Spencer Gifts. Blinding silver lamé costumes, emblazoned with more silver circuitry and rope chase lights ($65 million) with puppets on sticks in giant tubes, that the actors were manipulating ($65 million). Let’s try to ignore the fact that Emily Osborn is running the company with Norman, and move on to why Norman is portrayed like Colonel Sanders. As my boyfriend pointed out, he was playing Foghorn Leghorn… in lamé. I won’t linger on this point, since Patrick Page’s performance was one of the more genuinely entertaining parts of the show. It was just kind of funny.  So the spider gets loose, drops down (about 2 feet away from Peter I’d like to add), bites him and we are finally under way.

    We go to Pete’s bedroom (sets by Dr. Seuss!), and we watch him crawl on walls (yay! wire work, finally). We get mostly through the scene before they stop the show to fix the flying rigs. We were warned that this might happen and honestly, being seated in the orchestra, I wasn’t keen on anyone falling on me, so I was OK with it.

    I will say now that almost every time there was wire work, the show stopped. The desire for safety is understandable given the number of wrists and ankles that were lost in the making of the show. A moment of silence please, for all of the carpals and tarsals that were scarified in the name of the Spider.

    …After an eternity the show started again.

    Peter decides to use his powers to make some cash and signs up for the wrestling match. After some painful dialogue provided by the Twilight Greek Chorus about the likelihood of a teenage boy knowing how to sew a costume for himself (“What did he take, maybe one year of Home Ec?”) we go to the quintessential Ed Wood scene. Picture a wrestling ring. Now put a giant inflatable wrestler in it, very similar to the Wrestling Buddies pillows of the 80’s, only huge.

    When Peter jumps into the ring he proceeds to flail about and manipulate the inflated wrestler’s arms himself, essentially wrestling on both sides of the match. This immediately prompted my boyfriend and I to simultaneously exclaim “Bela, shake his legs around so it looks like he’s killing you.” It was laughable to say the least.

    Peter Parker gets the Bad TouchWhat happened next was a rape of my soul. As Peter is walking home Uncle Ben… gets……hit….by….a….car. Flash Thompson’s recently stolen car, I might add. No burglar. No emotionally complex story holding Spidey accountable for failing to stop the thief.  I’m sorry, what?

    As anyone who has not been staring directly at his prostate for the last oh, 40 years, knows that it is Uncle Ben’s death (echoed later by Gwen’s) that drives Spidey. It is the guilt of previous inaction that gives him his pathos and creates the character. The sense of moral obligation that haunts him, gives him purpose. The fear of losing those he loves.  It makes him the hero he is. Gives him depth, humanity, gravitas.

    NOPE! Hit by a car! Oh and to top it all off… “With great power….” line was delivered.  Not in Ben’s conversation with Peter (which was literally 3 lines of dialogue), not even squeezed into his death scene. Nothing. Epic fail.

    Aesthetic note: I need to point out that the “Flash stolen car scene” leading up to Ben’s demise was played in a Japanese Shadow puppet style. This was used with great comedic success in The 39 Steps, but here, the sight of the supporting sticks just added to the overall unprofessional look and cheesiness. It was rushed, shaky and not how you want to play out one of the most important death scenes of comic book canon.  All I know is that it made me want to commit Seppuku.

    Anyway. Now it gets good. Peter is visited by Arachne in a dream/astral plane and is given his costume (you read that right).  She sends him on his way as a superhero and we FINALLY get to see Spider-Man OriginSpider-Man. Using a combination of floor work and wire rigging, several brave stunt men leaped, flipped and flew about. The ground work was very reminiscent of the Japanese Spider-Man series produced by TOEI  in the 70’s. Entertaining, but nothing really new or note worthy.

    The wire work was neat. People in balcony seats were probably unprepared for Spidey to land inches from them.  We should have savored this a bit more….as it was the most Spidey we were going to get in the show. I should probably also mention that there was very little webbing to speak of, aside from a bit of silly string in places and one instance of wire work, pulling a thug off of his feet.

    A thug, I might add, that was wearing a seriously offensive African-American stereotype mask. I’m not kidding. The “regular people”  on the streets all wore awful caricature masks. I later learned from the TIVO’d 60 Minutes special that these masks were of Julie Taymor’s own design, a la The Lion King..  Remember the bit about poor administrative decisions?….yeah. Hubris.

    As Spider-Man starts making headlines we are introduced to J. Jonah Jameson (no mustache!) and his team of 1940’s reporters. Every other character is dressed in a relatively 2010 style…except for those employed by J.J. Nope, tweed, pill box hats, hounds tooth suits, pencil skirts and green eyeshades seem to be the company dress code. The team of ladies type on manual typewriters and those who talked at all sounded like Audrey of Little Shop fame. I kept waiting for the trademark “Shaw-ah”. Anyway, Spider-Man is a menace… blah blah blah.

    Back to Norman who is being bullied by the military to start playing ball. They have seen Spidey and have figured out that it must be an Osborn related creation and they want stuff. Make monsters for your country, damn it! After what can only be described as the celebratory dance of the “don’t ask don’t tell appeal” (hey, I’m all for it!), Norman gives in.

    All of the scientists leave him. Emily comes in at one point to tell him this by saying,“They’ve all left the building: Romita, Lee, Ditko, Bendis and Straczynski.”

    I turned to my boyfriend and said, “You’re goddamn right they left the building!”

    Green Goblin in Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark

    In another spectacular scene brought to you by Spencer Gifts, Green Goblin is born a la Frankenstein’s monster, complete with whirly light up thingies and smoke. Emily Osborn is killed in the system malfunction and Goblin swears to basically kill everyone because of it.

    To Be Continued…

    Hey there True Believers, come back tomorrow as Carmen resigns herself to her fate and sticks around for Act II!

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    16 thoughts on “The Craptacular Spider-Man: Turn Off the Pain Part 2

    1. John McGuire says:

      Wow, I wonder if there is a song in there about Julie Taymor committing carrear suicide.

    2. Carmen says:

      @John McGuire

      oh…just wait….by the second act you will genuinely think I am making things up…it goes up to "11" on the bad scale…

    3. Bee Tee Dee says:

      Wow, the costumes are pretty eye-searing. As friend of the site Michael "Deuce" Edwards put it, it looks like a Joel Schumacher production! And not a cool one like Flatliners.

    4. Steve says:

      Waitaminute–I saw the first Preview too. Needs work but I predict it'll get there by Opening Night (6 weeks from now). I'll write a review later–but just wanted to say–Uncle Ben's death–it was rushed so maybe you missed it, but Peter WAS responsible for Ben's death–Flash's car is getting carjacked and calls out for help. Peter–who had been jealous of Flash's car just a scene earlier–says gleefully that he can't help–it's "kinda out of my hands." As the carjacker drives off in the car, Ben comes running out to help Flash and is hit by the car. I thought that was a pretty narratively economical way of doing it, actually…

    5. Carmen says:


      Well considering that I, and all of the other people I spoke with who saw it missed that bit,I would say that is a problem, dont 'cha think? COUld you even understand them? Was that during the shadow puppets?

      Yes I do know/did hear the earlier jealous Flash car reference, but the "kinda out of my hands" was totally lost…totally lost…

    6. Carmen says:

      @Bee Tee Dee

      I mention that later….I agree

    7. George Collazo says:

      I'm amazed.

    8. Kevin J. Raineri says:

      I want to play with my old wrestling-buddies now.

    9. John McGuire says:

      @Carmen I read this again, let me know when the angry villagers start to gateher. I'll bring the torches.

      @ BeeTeeDee I guess they found a use for all the left over "bat nipples" from Schumachers Batman.

    10. dave trainer says:

      Why does he look like a mash-up of The Shredder and a gargoyle? Terrible…

    11. Cassy says:


      No offence but I don't remember that at all, not the line or anything

      I really don't think it was said and if it was then it was done super badly. I was just as confused as to why Peter wasn't responsible. If you say so then I guess but I was there to and never heard that. The show was bad

    12. Carmen says:

      @John McGuire

      I didn't wish failure upon this show, but I can't support it in its current state. Villagers with torches would have been an improvement.

      @Dave Trainer

      That is a riot!

      Meanwhile if anyone saw Conan…the silly string joke didn't look very different from the truth…unfortunately


      Hulk, Macho Man or Ultimate Warrior? I was always a Piper girl myself…

      I just realized how odd the 80's were….we were given little plush beefcake men to roll around with.

    13. J_Galt says:

      Caught the performance Sunday too.

      I was SOOO disappointed that the costumes in the Lebowitz photo shoot for VOGUE (like that photo of Spidey, MJ & Gobby) weren't even in the play! 🙁

      I was just confused by a lot of the stuff, Peter seemed to be unaffected by MOST things, not just his Uncle's death. (Shadow puppets, heh!)

      What REALLY pisses me off though, is that they're offering $30 Rush tickets for the show NOW! (I understand that the show has tons of problems and sales were hurt by all the bad press from Sunday's performance, but isn't it a bit soon to start discounting the tickets?)

      Whether it is a dress rehearsal, a technical dress rehearsal, or a damn high school musical, $30 is FAR more reasonable a ticket price than the hundred and change I spent for my ticket. Maybe they figure people will be less upset about the play (and say nicer things) if they aren't fleeced for hundreds of dollars.

      I remember a bunch of years ago I went to see a preview of Frank Wildhorn's Scarlet Pimpernel. (AWESOME show) I went back twice after the open, still an awesome show. (nominated for all sorts of awards) For some reason, they ended up having to change theaters after about a year, and when they opened in the second theater, THE SHOW WAS DIFFERENT!!! (HUGE plot changes & DIFFERENT SONGS!!! so it certainly isn't unthinkable that a show with REAL problems, like Spidey, will make changes before January 11th) Of course, the "revised" version of the Scarlet Pimpernel only lasted 3 months, so. . .maybe once people make up their minds that they like/don't like something, changing it is tougher.

    14. Carmen says:


      Yeah I heard about the price change too…I bet they are trying to do damage control…while simultaneously pissing off the people who shelled out initially. I know people who opted for the refund instead of going to they post-poned show. I think they are happy now.

      Yes I agree, Peter seemed not really to care about anything! Emotional range of a gnat…and it was not the actor's fault…he just didn't have any emotional conflict at all! About anything!

      I know that shows can definitely transform by opening night…and I pray that this one does. I saw All About Me in previews (it never made it) and that was polished and good. No stoppage. No mistakes (maybe there just wasn't the demand for Dame Edna…poor Barry).

      Oh and yeah, you're right, where were all of those ballgowns from the Vogue photo shoot? As out of place as they seemed in the pics I was waiting for them, bc at least they were neat-ish looking. Honestly, I don't even see where they would have fit into the plot, do you? Maybe they were just conceptual for the photo-shoot….if so what a tease…

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