The following is the latest in a series of journal entries chronicling the author’s descent into next-gen gaming degeneracy and assorted geekery – from getting his first television in years to trying to figure out why the @$@$&@@ you need two goddamn directional pads just to walk down an effing hallway.
I was a clumsy kid. I was such a klutz – a total failure at sports, P.E. and general moving around the place – that my mother sought professional help for me. We lived in North Carolina at the time – it was around ‘82 – so I was 10. I remember driving to an unfamiliar part of Charlotte. A university campus? Or maybe some collection of government buildings? We went into a small medical office where I was subjected to a barrage of physical tests. My mother got a binder full of results. And I got a new after-school
It’s the eyebrows, I think, that really send people over the edge about Justin Bieber. He’s locked them in a position of permanent surprise, like everything he’s seeing – from screaming teens to Brazilian prostitutes – has left him dumbfounded. It’s an infuriating expression, one seen on club-bound bros and Jaden Smith, and they transform his already-punchable face into a neon sign flashing the words “PUNCH HERE. PUNCH HERE AND PUNCH HARD AND NOT EVEN THE MOST VENGEFUL JURY WITH THE HANGINGEST JUDGE IN THE DEEPEST DARKEST PART OF TEXAS WILL CONVICT YOU.” Credit to the lawyers at his recent
There’s a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie coming out. I’m not here to savage the thing. That’s the work of countless, more predictable others. I am here, though, to explain why I ever liked the goofy comics in the first place. Partly because Unwinnable’s boss man so flippantly dismissed ‘em. He’s totally right, though.
