Chasing Nothingburgers?

Since the first day that drag-queen-turned-Rep. George Santos (R-N.Y.), who faked his entire résumé to get elected, stepped into Congress in 2023, journalists staked out his office for hours on end, practically daily. Transcription apps open and ready, reporters shouted questions (usually, the futile “Will you resign?”) as Santos and his aides ducked and dodged the cameras. One day, the indicted congressman got in on the joke, sarcastically thanking the producers with Dunkin’ Donuts.

“What’s our plan today?” one reporter called out as Santos set down the sweets and slammed the door shut.

This went on for several months. I’d know – I was one of the reporters on site. And honestly, we were outdone by activist Vincent Vertuccio, who asked Santos who he thought would win the latest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. (Santos gawked at Vertuccio with an aghast expression that could only be from a RuPaul fan.)

Our press stakeouts, as absurd as they sound, serve a critical purpose. They catch live video and sound from story subjects. On the business side, reporters are also attempting to “scoop” a story, or beat all other media outlets to the chase for an exclusive news item. It’s why you see journalists waiting outside courthouses, sitting inconspicuously outside politicians’ homes – and in one fictional duo’s case, squatting at the edge of a sandstorm.

Gabby and Ty, producer extraordinaires in Pokémon Emerald’s Hoenn region, are on the hunt for the biggest exclusive: an interview with the prodigal up-and-coming trainer (you). They appear on Routes 111, 118, or 120, and when spoken to, Gabby, the reporter, will challenge you to a battle. She and Ty, her camera operator, will send out Magnemite and Whimsur (who level up and evolve after each encounter). Upon defeat, Gabby will conduct an interview. You can decline the interview or answer her using the game’s built-in easy chat system, which limits your response to a short string of words. Later, you can watch your interview on linear.

Relatively easy to beat, they’re kind of another punching bag in the generations-old meta running gag that journalists are terrible gamers. Some players use them to farm money and endlessly level up their Pokémon. And if you played like me, you tinkered around with the easy chat box and found snarky joy when Gabby geeked out over meaningless phrases like “YOU CAN BICYCLE” or “ABSOL BEAT.” After all, who wouldn’t feel a bit of catharsis calling an opponent “WORTHLESS” in one of the rare instances where the game lets you dunk on another trainer – and seeing your one-liner make local TV?

I’m a cable news production assistant now. I returned to Pokémon Emerald this year to celebrate its twentieth birthday and found myself wondering just how many times Gabby and Ty are willing to battle some ten-year-old for a scoop. Turns out, per Bulbapedia, they shadow you around Hoenn a whopping 255 times before they settle permanently at Route 111. 255.

In a world in which search traffic is increasingly erratic and Google seems to have given up on curtailing AI slop, the life raft for journalism – especially tabloid journalism – is engagement and clicks. I don’t know what the newsroom situation is like in Hoenn, except that Gabby and Ty seem to be the only two producers ever around. Maybe journalism would be outright dead in the region if not for them. But the fact that they will excitedly absorb literally anything as a “scoop” and show your battle off to the world – over the course of 200-plus stakeouts if they must – cracks me up because it reminds me so damn much of how our current media ecosystem operates on buzzwords and clicks as a survival mechanism. To make matters worse for the interviewer duo, I hardly ever change my strategy, which is, simply put, spamming Surf and Earthquake every time. After 150 defeats and incessant bullying from a one-trick pony whose interview response is the nonsensical “GIVE ME A PARTNER BABE,” any subsequent scoop Gabby could possibly grasp from me is a painful diminishing return and waste of camera crew expenses.

But maybe Gabby’s editorial instinct is more than meets the eye. My university newspaper editor-in-chief, back in 2018, interviewed a socialist waitress who hailed from the Bronx. Between setting tables and mixing cocktails, she was flirting with the idea of becoming a lawmaker and was grateful for the local coverage. The waitress, as America would learn, is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

In Pokémon Emerald, the player catches legendary ancient serpent Rayquaza, even before facing the Elite Four. To Gabby and Ty, who probably have a mountain of clips of their battles with that bonkers of an up-and-coming trainer in their sizzle reels, maybe chasing that “WORTHLESS” nothingburger quote wasn’t so in vain after all.

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Alina is a multiplatform producer and platformer gamer. If she’s not eating obscene amounts of bacon, egg, and cheese bagels, she’s fixing props for The Sonic Transducers, DC’s Rocky Horror Picture Showshadow cast.