I’m in This Game and I Don’t Like it
This column is a reprint from Unwinnable Monthly #179. If you like what you see, grab the magazine for less than ten dollars, or subscribe and get all future magazines for half price.
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Here’s the Thing is where Rob dumps his random thoughts and strong opinions on all manner of nerdy subjects – from videogames and movies to board games and toys.
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I’ll freely admit that, when it comes to identifying with fictional characters in media, videogames aren’t the first thing I think of. For sure there have been some examples I could cite over the years (Dragon Age Inquisition’s Alistair and his deadpan sarcasm are very me), but it’s usually movies and TV shows where I find the most “hey…” moments. But here’s the thing: Zenless Zone Zero, for all its colorful, stylish, over-the-top quasi-futuristic stylings and quirky characters, really has my number. And it’s not Billy Kid, the tokusatsu-loving dork of an android who talks to his guns and loves videogames.
It’s actually Nicole.
Now I’m obviously not an anime woman with bright pink hair and embarrassingly juvenile jiggle physics. I’m not in charge of a team of Hollow Raiders (people who earn a living by illegally delving into dangerous anomalies). I don’t carry around a cannon hidden in a suitcase and I’m not (at least outwardly) ruthless or greedy. But none of that’s why I’ve found myself connecting with Nicole Demara so well. Financial anxiety is where I really feel a connection, and I don’t like how accurate this all feels.
Back when I was still going to therapy we would discuss a lot of different things that would bother me. Money – or more specifically, my constant fear that this time I wasn’t going to be able to make enough and this time we won’t be able to pay rent, will have to move in with my parents, etc. – came up constantly and even after a couple of years’ worth of weekly meetings we never really found a way for me to combat those feelings.
I would, and still do, find myself worrying about whether or not I’ll earn enough money in a given month. Whether or not I’ve been working hard enough, regardless of how much or how little I do earn in a month. Whether I even deserve to have any downtime because maybe I should be working instead, because those bills aren’t going to pay themselves.
Seeing how much Nicole struggles to keep the Cunning Hares going – paying the team, paying rent, paying for food, etc. – and how she never seems to stop thinking about ways to fix things feels like looking in a mean-spirited funhouse mirror. To strangers she probably seems uncaring, fickle and cheap. But in reality, she’s desperately trying to keep her head above water and is willing to try almost anything if it means getting everyone through another day/week/month/year/whatever.
My approach is admittedly a bit different. From the outside I imagine it seems more like I’m either apathetic, lazy or way too interested in hoarding. But it all comes from the same place. The same fear of failing to keep the lights on, keep food in the fridge or at the very least do my part to help with the monthly expenses. And it’s constant. The only peace I get from all this anxiety are those precious few moments in the day where, for one reason or another, I’m able to completely focus on something else and temporarily forget about how scared I am.
As I write this, I’ve recently cashed out my retirement funds from an old day job in order to pad things out and take some of the pressure off of paying rent for the next few months. But only for a few months. I’m about two to three weeks into a new freelance writing gig (in addition to all of the other work I’m still doing). I have hope that it will help, but I’m still getting a feel for the rhythm while the process itself feels alarmingly lethargic compared to what I’m used to. I want to believe things will get better. I want to believe Nicole will find a more reliable source of income for the Cunning Hares. But I’m still unsure about all of that, and, so far, so is she. I’m still scared about money. I’m pretty sure she still is, too.
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Rob Rich is a guy who’s loved nerdy stuff since the 80s, from videogames to anime to Godzilla to Power Rangers toys to Transformers, and has had the good fortune of being able to write about them all. He’s also editor for the Games section of Exploits! You can still find him on Twitter, Instagram and Mastodon.
