(Couch) Potato Farming
This column is a reprint from Unwinnable Monthly #178. If you like what you see, grab the magazine for less than ten dollars, or subscribe and get all future magazines for half price.
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A tongue-in-cheek but also painfully earnest look at pop culture and anything else that deserves to be ridiculed while at the same time regarded with the utmost respect. It is written by Matt Marrone and emailed to Stu Horvath and David Shimomura, who add any typos or factual errors that might appear within.
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In my 40-plus years of gaming, I have assumed the avatars of magic-wielding swordsmen, superhuman sports stars and carjacking sociopaths. I have been time-travelers, interstellar warriors and even god-like rulers controlling men and machines from the safety of the sky.
All of these, however, are like documentary films about my real life compared to the role I find myself playing now: farmer.
Dropping towers from the heavens to hold off alien hordes? That’s far more believable a job for me than simply stepping outside my house, digging around in the dirt a bit, planting some seeds, then lovingly tending them until they grow into plants.
Behold the magic of videogames.
I am now deep into Stardew Valley, a game I researched for, and recommended to, my eldest son, who bought it with his own money and has been playing for months. My younger son started his own farm, and, a few weekends ago, they convinced me to join in, too. I like to learn about the games my kids are playing, ostensibly to help them along the way, but let’s be honest, mostly because I like playing videogames. Ever since, my nightly ritual has been Yankees game on TV, Switch in my hands.
If I were tasked with running a real farm, not a single crop would survive. But I’m an awesome virtual farmer. I produce gold-star potatoes, eggplants and corn; I make my own wine and age it in my newly added cellar; I keep bees and make jam; I pluck peaches and pomegranates from my fruit trees.
Recently, my stall won first prize at the town fair. It was stuffed with ancient fruit, homemade honey and even diamonds, which I can pump out regularly now from a machine that somehow copies crystals. I forage. I go mushrooming. I even got married and will soon be starting a farm family. (She has twice asked me if I want a baby; I’m holding off for now.)
It’s of course ridiculous to claim that doing a job ordinary humans can do is less realistic than, say, having the blood of dragons and bending the will of men and beasts simply by shouting, but the mundanity of much of Stardew Valley’s gameplay makes the comparison to the real world more tangible than many videogames. I have no designs on being an actual farmer, but I like how productive I am as a fake one. I like coming home and being told by my wife how much she appreciates all the hard work I do. I like the satisfying sound of chopping wood, a task I would utterly loathe in meatspace.
Usually, videogames simply remind me of my shortcomings at playing videogames. Stardew Valley reminds me of how useless I am at being a human being. I grow nothing. I can barely feed myself. My wife has never said “Don’t overwork yourself” to me.
In Stardew Valley, though, all of that happens – every night, on the Switch, as I sit on my couch watching baseball.
Behold the magic of videogames.
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Matt Marrone is a senior MLB editor at ESPN.com. He has been Unwinnable’s reigning Rookie of the Year since 2011. You can follow him on Twitter @thebigm.
