Ode to Soylent

I had my first Soylent and I don’t have to feel emotions anymore.

I look upon humans and their problems as mere inefficiencies.

Also potential sustenance that I can turn into productive energy.

(Real talk: I’ve been drinking protein shakes for 15 years since my early bodybuilding days/physical trainer career. Soylent ain’t bad.)

Crying is just unnecessary dehydration + desalinization.

Soylent is the opposite of crying.

Soylent is the opposite of a bad breakup.

Soylent is drinking your own self-doubt so your mitochondria can convert it into ATP.

It’s me, pushin’ real hard for that official Soylent sponsorship.

Soylent will make you 1337.

Soylent will double your APMs.

Soylent will free you from the need for love.

 

When I die,

When I finally die,

After 1,000 years

I want to be soylent.

Please do this for me.

———

Teddy Dief is a creative director at Square Enix Montréal. This story was collected and greenlit from his Twitter.

Subscribe
Categories
Ad Free, Best of Unwinnable - Archive, Comedy, Life
Social