Cult Horror Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
You’re all doomed!
Halloween has shot right by us, but of course we all are still looking for fun, scary experiences. Thanks to YouTube, we have access to the best of both worlds with Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. According to Patton Oswalt, the most terrifying part of Death Bed is the fact that it got made at all. And watching it with friends was some of the most fun I had all year.
The movie follows a typical possession plot in which a vengeful spirit kills every unwary homeowner that it comes across. Only this time, the object being haunted is a bed. The monster-bed has a difficult problem in that it can’t move to chase down its victims (bedsheet tentacles notwithstanding). So it has to resort to Venus Fly Trap style tactics to eat: presenting an appealing and comfortable looking resting place to entice its victims and then dropping them into the pool of digestive acid that rests just beneath the bed’s surface. Luckily, there are plenty of dumb kids around who have no problem fucking on some stranger’s bed that they find out in the middle of the woods; so the bed does plenty of eating.
Vital Statistics
| Release Date | 1977 |
| Running Time | 78 interminable minutes |
| Number of seconds during the film’s opening during which we are forced to listen to disgusting chewing and swallowing noises while looking at nothing but a blank screen | 55 |
| Victims | Difficult to tally, because some are merely implied or take place off screen. But my best guess is: 21 people plus one guy’s hands, one apple, a bottle of wine, a bucket of chicken, and once, when the bed was feeling particularly perturbed, a bottle of Pepto Bismol |
| Budget | Less than $30,000 |
| Skeletons wearing perfect blonde wigs | 1 |
| Lesbian grandmothers | 1 |
| Number of women willing to show their tits for this movie project | Distressingly high |
| Movies made by writer/director George Barry after Death Bed | 0 |
Check it out and good luck falling asleep at night… You will probably be laughing too hard.
