Regression: A Scene from a Career in Decline
FADE IN:
EXT. DRIVE-IN THEATER – NIGHT
At a drive-in theater in the countryside near Alicante, a port on the southeastern coast of Spain, a MAN and a WOMAN are sitting on beach chairs in front of a beat-up old Renault Megane. They are only illuminated by the light from a Spanish dub of the movie Regression, which is playing on a huge screen in front of them.
MAN
So this film isn’t out yet in the United States?
WOMAN
No.
MAN
And it’s by the same guy who did The Others?
WOMAN
Yes. Alejandro Amenábar.
MAN
Maybe, if the US is lucky, it won’t come out there at all?
WOMAN
Yes.
There’s a long pause. Both continue to watch the film.
MAN
I really liked The Others.
WOMAN
Me too.
MAN
And his other movies too. Tesis was great.
WOMAN
Yes. I liked it too.
MAN
Shame.
WOMAN
Yes.
The MAN grabs a load of popcorn from a box to his right and stuffs it noisily into his mouth. Crumbs fall over his shirt without him noticing. He doesn’t offer any to the WOMAN. She glares at him before looking back at the screen.
WOMAN
Oh. Come on. I know twists are his big thing but this one is already so obvious.
MAN
Yeah. My Spanish is rubbish but isn’t he-
WOMAN
Yes. I think so.
MAN
And isn’t she-
WOMAN
Definitely. That’s definitely going to happen.
Some time passes. Images from the film flash across the faces of both audience members. Occasionally one takes up a can of coke that sits on the ground between them and sips from it. Nothing else happens.
WOMAN
All this crap about satanic cults- I mean, Emma Watson’s clearly doing her best, bless her, considering all the grief she gets for her acting, including from herself. This is as good as I’ve ever seen her, even with someone else doing all her dialogue for her in Spanish.
MAN
Yeah. She’s pretty good. Ethan Hawke’s not bad either.
More time passes. Things do happen on-screen but few of them are interesting or surprising.
WOMAN
Oh my god. It’s so slow.
(She draws out the syllables of “so” and “slow” until it seems like they will never end)
WOMAN (CONT’D)
His other movies were slow too, but I always felt like there was a point to it. It created tension. This is just ponderous.
Something incredibly gory happens on-screen. The WOMAN pauses to take a sip of coke.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
It’s impossible for them to generate any kind of tension. You already know what’s coming because you’ve already guessed the twist and you’ve already seen everything else a thousand times before anyway.
MAN
Yeah. You can’t make something scary when everyone already knows what’s going to happen.
WOMAN
I mean, it makes you feel really sorry for everyone involved. It’s so much like a TV movie. It’s like, every time I look at the screen, I’m surprised. I think: Wow. Why’s this TV so big? And how did it get into our living room? Oh god – is that Ethan Hawke in in this TV movie? Awww. What happened to him? He played Hamlet. I can’t believe he’s making stuff for Hallmark now. And David Thewlis too?!
MAN
…and then you remember where you are and what it is that you’re watching. Yeah. The same thing keeps happening to me.
WOMAN
I guess all of his movies are always a bit derivative though, aren’t they? Well, except maybe Abre los ojos and that one about the quadriplegic guy. You know. Javier Bardem. I mean, not Javier Bardem the quadriplegic guy. He played a quadriplegic guy.
She looks at the MAN. He shrugs.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
Oh, it doesn’t matter. I can’t remember. But this one? Wow. It’s just superderivative.
The MAN throws more popcorn into his mouth. More time passes. The predictions of the MAN and WOMAN come to pass. Neither bothers commenting on this. More time passes. The film ends.
FADE OUT.
THE END
