Unwinnable’s E3 2011 Predictions

Sunday afternoon, Charles Francis Moran VI and I ship out to Los Angeles to experience the grandeur and intrigue of E3 2011. The biggest gaming conference of the year, E3 is when all the major player wheel out their most impressive dogs and ponies to be ogled by the collective mass of videogame press. In the time honored tradition of nearly every videogame publication in existance, we have put together a list of things we think will happen over the course of a week filled with press conferences, parties and incredible hangovers. 

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Stu Horvath:

In the wake of the new Nintendo console announcement, we will hear infinite joke variations based on Chris Hecker’s rant that the Wii was just two GameCubes duct-taped together.

Nintendo will push Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword off as a launch title for the new system but it will look just as crappy as it did last year.

Sony’s 3D gaming initiative will be led behind a chemical shed and never seen again.

It will be revealed that Chuck is actually just some imaginary personality I slip into when I kill people.

Duke Nukem Forever will be delayed. Again.

New Nintendo console. New Sony handheld. No new Sony or Microsoft consoles – don’t be dumb.

FreeSpace 3

Samuel Jackson will come out to introduce the PlayStation keynote.

Respawn Entertainment will announce their long awaited game. I will not care.

Ubisoft will announce FarCry 3 and I will be the only one who cares.

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Charles Francis Moran VI:

The phrase “pushing boundaries” will be used to describe Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

Nintendo will release a Pokémon 3Ds AR game.

I will be told by a stranger that I am talking too loud.

Microsoft will talk about reliability of the Xbox Live experience. They will also talk about the Halo: Combat Evolved remake as if it isn’t remake.

It will be revealed that Ernest Borgnine will play Marcus Fennix in Gears of Wars 3 during a flash-forward scene.

Pee-wee Herman will come out to introduce the PlayStation keynote.

Pool party.

Hideo Kojima will show exactly the same Metal Gear footage as last year, and no one will notice.

A rumor will start that Sega is getting back into the hardware market.

Someone will be overheard saying, “Can someone please have the guy with the belt sit down.” Or, “Well, this salad sucks.”

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Guest Prognosticators

Ebenezer Samuel, New York Daily News: This E3 will be as much about the new (cough, Nintendo’s new console, cough) as it will be about making the old junk new all over again. Yes, that means we will endure waaaaaay too much of the Kinect and the 3DS. And no,  most of it will not work for us.

Brian Taylor, Freelance Librarian: uhm.

Gus Mastrapa, Joystick Division: Somebody will finally come up with a good idea for a Kinect game. It’ll probably have something to with flailing you arms around. Semaphore Hero?