Every Character Creator Is A Fight With Identity That I’m Losing

This is a reprint of the feature essay from Issue #94 of Exploits, our collaborative cultural diary in magazine form. If you like what you see, buy it now for $2, or subscribe to never miss an issue (note: Exploits is always free for subscribers of Unwinnable Monthly). 

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One of my favorite things about videogames is the level of personal immersion of which they’re capable. In film, TV and books, the story is about a specific protagonist. They have their own thoughts, vision and identity. But in many games, I’m my own self. I get to approach the endless adventures with the mindset of “what would I do here?” I can live vicariously through a roleplaying game, associating the decisions and actions with my own sense of self.

None of that can begin until I’ve made my character. This critical first step cements my existence in the experience, after all. If I want to play as myself, I need to recreate myself. So, I start up the character creator, setting gender, skin tone, hair color, and more. I base my stats on what I’m good at in real life, picking classes and perks based on what feels appropriate to my own history. But something still isn’t right. It just looks like a generic white man with brown hair and a side part. That’s not me.

So, I go into the detail facial editor and start adjusting. My eyes are slightly bigger, my nose is wider, with a flatter nasal bridge. Smaller mouth; softer chin; eyebrows lay flat; eyes are a bit droopy. Everything is more attuned to how I look, right? So why does this look so wrong? I can’t figure out how to fix it, to make it look more like me. I spend another 20 minutes tweaking settings, growing more discontent with the result. The more effort I put into my custom character, the more resentful I become. I doubt every change made and spurn every detail, even when they’re accurate.

Who even am I? Is this what I look like? Is this how other people see me? I don’t feel like this is me, but I can’t say it isn’t. I’ve made an avatar of my own identity, so why does it bother me? I’ve since realized that it’s because this is the only time I have to perceive myself from the outside. My stats, attributes and skills reflect who I am internally, but this is different. I’m seeing myself how others see me, and I don’t like that. It’s not a manifestation of my inner self anymore, it’s a reflection of how I see myself externally.

I want to be myself, to be comfortable with myself. But I’m not comfortable with all of myself. I want to feel represented in the games I play, but to do that, I need to confront the parts I don’t normally have to see. I have to accept the idea of being perceived.

So… I don’t. I find the full-face helmets, the flat visors and the otherwise dehumanizing visages to cover up with. I stay in the space suit, I toggle “keep helmet on” and I wear a full plate helm over my leather armor. I play out my role as a faceless hero, because I would rather be seen as unidentifiable than let even fictional characters see me the way I see myself.