Peak Orthodontist Music
This column is a reprint from Unwinnable Monthly #188. If you like what you see, grab the magazine for less than ten dollars, or subscribe and get all future magazines for half price.
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Now this.
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My wife and I were born within six months and 150 miles of each other, which means we share several milestones from our early life even though we didn’t meet until our mid-20s. We both lived in Illinois in prime-Jordan/Bulls fever; we graduated high school the same year; and at the turn of the millennium, we both sat for hours at a time in the orthodontist chair, listening to our respective, local, soft adult contemporary radio stations. When we did meet, ten years later, we started to connect the dots that we were intimately acquainted with a specific selection of songs; songs that we knew all the lyrics to, but didn’t know why; songs that we both loved and hated; songs that played while both of us sat, mouths wide open, suffering painful bindings and brutal tightenings. So, when Spotify released their playlist feature, we pretty quickly decided that we needed to start a playlist of all the highs and lows of “Orthodontist Music.”
I want to lay out the boundaries, the textures of Orthodontist Music. Regardless of my personal taste, these are the tracks that define the era. We start with the “Peak,” the definers of the genre, but then as we dive deeper, I’ll get to other tracks which are just kind of touching on the genre, those bands that kind of glom on, but never fully landed in the OM mainstream.
The peak artist for orthodontist music, and as a result, one of my least favorite artists of all time, is Train. “Drops of Jupiter” and “Meet Virginia” are ingrained in my psyche to such a damaging degree that I struggle to verbalize it. The vacant lyrics and trite melodies combined for a sound that defined the soft rock era of the 2000s but continues to ruin the sonic landscape 20 years later. As someone who has played a number of instruments in my life, with a limited degree of success, I try not to hate on musicians. Clearly the musicians in Train are much more successful than I, both musically and financially. But I do feel confident to say that they have squandered their talents on making music that the world is worse for having heard.
In a similar vein, whenever I have to hear Santana’s “Smooth” and Rob Thomas crooning “or just forget about it”, I feel my teeth shifting. Maybe I should have gotten a new retainer after I lost mine at TGI Fridays.
If you were listening to music when people were busy preparing computers for the clocks to turn over, you probably recognize Rob Thomas and Train. But I dare you to tell me who Duncan Sheik, OMC, or Blessid Union of Souls are! I can’t tell you anything about them either, but I can tell you the songs that are burned into my skull – the songs that still rattle around my brain instead of things like, I dunno, Algebra 2 or the themes central to “Bartleby the Scrivener.” No, instead I have the lyrics for “Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)” stuck in my head. I can only hope that now you do too. And I don’t need to even bring up Deep Blue Something, Sister Hazel or Better than Ezra.
But, do you remember Tal Bachman? Eagle Eye Cherry? Fuel? Unlike these previous artists, all these musicians have songs that I actually like. “She’s So High” may have ignited my lifelong love with falsetto. The beautiful depression of “Save Tonight” triggers a nostalgia like few other songs can. “Shimmer” is just a solid track, and I’m still partial to Sugar Ray and Everclear. I like SoCal rock . . . sue me.
Even though I’m quite ambivalent to many artists on the playlist, I’ll cop to genuinely loving some of the musicians who were forced upon me as I sat, reclined, reckoning with my failures at flossing and brushing my tongue. I’m a big fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers run from the ’80s through 2002, so it should come as no surprise that “Scar Tissue” was a welcome respite from another rendition of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” Even though I was convinced Moby was singing about “Chuckles the Clown” and not “troubles with god,” I knew “Natural Blues” was a straight banger. And while many people confuse Third Eye Blind with being some easy listening, alt-pop rockers, I still know that the entirety of their self-titled album is a Certified Hood ClassicTM.
To be honest, I have no idea what contemporary orthodontist music is. What are preteens listening to when they are in the torture chair? What can I say, adult contemporary isn’t a genre I’m staying on top of in 2025. But, If I had to guess, it’s probably not that different tone-wise but with a little more hip hop and Latin music. They can’t still be playing “Smooth,” right? Regardless, Orthodontist Music is a perfectly curated playlist, more so than any other playlist I’ve created – and you know I’ve made my fair share. My wife and I have been adding to it for more than a decade, but we’re at a tight seven hours of playtime. Every time I hear a song on an ad or a podcast and I think, “Wow, that needs to be on the orthodontist playlist,” I check, and surprise! It’s already there.
So, if you were being tortured by some dentist around the end of history, check out the Orthodontist Music playlist here, and let me know what I’m missing. Or, do me a favor, and if you’re a current orthodontist, stop playing the radio, and get those kids into the classics!
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Noah Springer is a writer and editor based in St. Louis. You can follow him on Bluesky @noahspringer.com.
