the_arboretum

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #363636;\n\tbackground-image:url('data/lillian_bkngd.png');\n\tbackground-repeat:no-repeat;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.4pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 24px;\n\tline-height: 150%;\n\tfont-family:'Libre Baskerville', 'Athelas', 'Hoefler Text', Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n\t-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

<<replace>>\n\nThen he said, “Lillian, I really...”\n\n<<gains>>\nHe stopped.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I really...”\n\n<<gains>>\nYou waited.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I really...”\n\n<<gains>>\n“I really like you.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOkay.\n\n<<gains>>\nSo, you were stupid for hoping for a moment that he would say the other thing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut it was fine.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nToo early to expect anything like that. Of course.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPlus, if he had actually said it, things would have become much more complicated.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr he might not have really meant it.\n\n<<gains>>\nWhatever.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt would be a bad thing to concern yourself with.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou’d gotten carried away with your little fantasy.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut you wanted to keep talking to him.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You asked if he wanted to come over.|Transition 6th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<playsound "data/a_road.mp3">><<replace>>\n\nA date.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had no idea how to act on a date.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was assuming that it was, in fact, a date. It was not entirely clear.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe idea of being attractive was so foreign to you that you felt like you could go on a whole date and just stand there, blank, to be nothing at that person.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBlankness might be okay, though.\n\n<<gains>>\nSince blankness is an empty slate.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWrite, over that blankness, a Lillian that people liked, and wanted to get to know, and wanted, even, to date.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSomeone cute.\n\n<<gains>>\nReady to laugh and smile.\n\n<<gains>>\nAlternating between teasing and yielding.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWould that work?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIs that disingenuous?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat is your identity, anyway?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIn adolescence, one is given to exploring identity, trying on many different masks, in order to determine the ones that feel comfortable– the ones that feel most like “the self.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhy wouldn’t you appropriate pieces of the characters around you to construct yourself?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat’s all anyone else had done.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nDerek hadn’t wanted to see a movie. All of the movies playing looked so terrible, he said, and the tickets were so expensive.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHis earnestness when he explained this struck you as endearing, but also somewhat tragic in a way. Ten or twenty years from now he would be one of those men who clung to sincerity like a life raft, unable to understand why it didn’t save him from the flood.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNo, that was overreaching of you.\n\n<<gains>>\nYour overactive imagination.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSurely he would do fine.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nEven a shitty movie would be fine to watch together, you’d thought about saying. But you stayed quiet about that.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nJust walking and talking can be nice, too.\n\nIt’s true.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe had a lot of observations on the consumerism of the mall. The slickness of it, the veneer of it all.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHis utterly heartfelt concern with finding some kind of deeper truth in the world made you smile inwardly.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt reminded you of the way your father got with Victorian literature, his specialty.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSo you wanted to encourage him to feel good about having those opinions.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou wanted to hear more of what he had to say.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe evening was going well– it was really good, even– until you fucked it up.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou shouldn’t have blamed yourself.\n\nBut that’s what you did.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou blew it, you thought.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou overdid it, and now it’s ruined.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe stopped and asked you what the hell you were doing. Probably rightly so. Your act was outrageous, a flagrant departure from who you really were.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou deserved to be caught.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut he seemed more confused than upset.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThen, when you mentioned hentai, he was positively flustered.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou liked that. You could feel some kind of barrier between the two of you disappear.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSomehow, his utter embarrassment at your knowing what a hentai game was made him all the more likeable.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOn top of that– how he squirmed when you remembered him proposing the anime club!\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe was surprised that you remembered.\n\n<<gains>>\nOf course you remembered.\n\n<<gains>>\nHis nervous face.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWho knows what this should be called? This hanging out, this having fun with someone.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nJust being yourselves at each other.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nA date?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[“This is the first time I’ve felt like I could really express myself to someone else,” Derek said.|2 Lillian 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<timedgoto "2 Lillian" 2s >>

<<replace>>\n\nFor a while it seemed you and your older sister were united in rebellion against the system. The endless cycle of grades and performance and needing to become someone that society– and “society” really meant your mother– judged adequate. There was more to life than that.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThen, one day, she told you she would be going to Princeton.\n\n<<gains>>\nEarly Admission.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nFor this betrayal, you are not sure you will forgive her.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHow were you supposed to be comparable now?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou didn’t have the test scores.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou didn’t have the personal essays.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou didn’t have the will.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You weren’t sure what you had the will for.|1 Derek Beginning 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

@import url(http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Libre+Baskerville:400,700,400italic);\n\n.revision-span-in {\n\topacity: 0;\n}\n.revision-span:not(.revision-span-out) {\n\ttransition: 2s; -webkit-transition: 2s;\n}\n.revision-span-out {\n\tposition:absolute;\n\topacity: 0;\n}\n\n

<<replace>>\n\nHow does someone become attractive?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nMaybe you could lose the glasses and grow out your hair, into the long, jet-black locks of the handsome Chinese men in those lush historical dramas. You could affect their flamboyant clothes and devil-may-care attitudes.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou’d learned from the internet that this was a type certain women liked.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSome women, at least.\n\n<<gains>>\nVery few of those women would be in Lubbock, Texas.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat a place to grow up for your self-esteem.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nCould you be attractive?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[Maybe with some work.|1 Derek Sex 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<replace>>\n\n“Appropriate” also meant racially appropriate.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThere’s no other way to say this.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSophie dated a white man once.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour parents tolerated it rigidly.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThey knew they couldn’t stop it. It’s not like there were many Asians in the town you grew up in. And even then, only a tiny subset of that group would have met their standards anyway.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut you could sense their willful confidence that she would come to her senses sooner or later.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhen it ended, they were satisfied.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou saw a little more of the truth– Sohpie’s arguments, her tears.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nMaybe for you, the son, it would have been different. But you weren’t about to test fate. You never told them about what had happened.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNo reason start get them asking questions.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“What career is she preparing for?”\n\n<<gains>>\n“What do her father and mother do?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[No, no reason to do this.|1 Derek Sex 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nSomething could have happened.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe was right there in your home.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou told him your parents were gone on a trip, that you had the house to yourselves.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou could see him turning that over in his mind. The wonder. The logic.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAt that age, the idea of a space to one’s self is still so new and attractive and thrilling.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHis eyes on you.\n\n<<gains>>\n\nDesiring eyes?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIf he’d made an advance, what would you have done?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe answer wasn’t clear.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou might have wanted him to drop to his knees and declare his love, poised and elegant.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou might have wanted to know that he found you attractive.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr, you might have wanted him to do nothing– to be comfortable knowing that he didn’t want anything from you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIf you had a preferred outcome that afternoon, you don’t remember it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat it seems like to you now is that you had contrived the situation as a test. That was all.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nA test of both of you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou imagined an outcome in your literary way, words running through your head.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour fingers through his thick black hair.\n\n<<gains>>\nHis hands on you, cautiously, his first time.\n\n<<gains>>\nHis face so serious, as if he were about to perform the most important task in the world.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThose, though, were all things your mind invented.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIn reality the two of you had talked some more, and you had given him a tour, such as it was, of the house.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou talked about your parents and he talked about his. You compared stories of their irrational behavior.\n\n“I can’t imagine both of my parents being professors,” he’d said. Only his father was, and that was enough for him.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou laughed, and said yes, it was difficult sometimes.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAs the sun set over the house, the energy for anything beyond this conversation seemed to evaporate.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“It’ll be dark soon. It might be nice to take a walk.”\n\n<<gains>>\nOne of you suggested this.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Yeah, let’s do that.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[“We could go to the arboretum.”|Transition 8th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<timedgoto "2 Derek" 2s >>

\n\n\n\n\n\nSend him a message.\n\n<<timedgoto "End Transition" 12s >>

<<replace>>\n\nYou still couldn’t convince yourself that Lillian had said yes, and you were preparing yourself to be stood up, or for things to be a disaster.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe showed up in a light green hoodie, a t-shirt with a design on it, and jeans.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt surprised you. It wasn’t anything like what you’d ever seen her in, and she looked...\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe looked cute.\n\n<<gains>>\nShe looked good.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nLike someone who knew what she was doing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe only other time you’d seen her outside of a school setting was some sort of Texas Tech faculty party that you had been dragged to. She’d sat in the corner, glued to her smartphone.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut that day she seemed happy to be out. It was really a change from the way she was at school. She seemed to open up more, growing more lively and animated.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou went to South Plains.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou went into nearly every store, poking fun at the fashion mannequins, staring uncomprehendingly at the latest albums from bands you didn’t know or didn’t like.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAny time you made some sort of wry observation, she giggled.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAny time you thought to say you liked something, or appreciated something, she listened intently.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou felt propped up by this, by her attention.\n\n<<gains>>\nWhat seemed like her fascination with you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt felt nice, but there was something suspicious about it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhy? Why was she so suddenly interested in you?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhy did she put on this air of being coy in a way that placed the spotlight on you?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“It’s getting blustery,” Lillian said, looking out at the horizon, as the two of you walked out of the mall and sat down on a bench together, facing a small pond.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNoticing her face, you wondered: had she put on makeup?\n\n<<gains>>\nWas it for you?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHer hair blowing in the wind.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou used to see Lillian in the school library chatting with the librarian, an elderly lady who belonged to the church next door.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was the only time you could think of her smiling or laughing before today.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThere was something performative about all of this.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nLike she was acting like someone else.\n\n<<gains>>\nPlaying a role. \n\n<<gains>>\nBecoming fictional.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had been steeling yourself for outright rejection or stilted awkwardness. But all she had done so far was fulfill expectations in a way that could not have been genuine.\n\n<<gains>>\nWhat was she playing at?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut wait. Perhaps that was the real her, a spirit that she kept concealed at school.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nMaybe you had just been given this glimpse of that side to her.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Hey, I wanted to…”\n\n<<gains>>\n\n“Hm?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Can I ask you something?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt almost blurted from your lips. It occurred to you then that your delivery was all wrong, that she was now preparing for you to broach a question about being her boyfriend, or something.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nLillian put an index finger at the corner of her mouth and leaned forward.\n\n<<gains>>\n\n“Yeeeesssss–?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[“Are you... is this... are you performing some kind of act? I’m sorry, but you’ve been behaving like–just all coy and cute and...”|2 Derek 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nYou could have ignored all of this. You really could have. But Garett was always talking about it– that was his insecurity, of course, and everyone knew that. Most people thought his wild stories weren't true. But the energy of his proclamations had infected everyone.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nA “real man”. Nobody really bought into this idea, did they?\n\n<<gains>>\nExcept that a lot of people did.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe biggest impression your very progressive sex-ed class had left you with was this sense of the vast cloud of disease and other miseries that sex could lead to, and, therefore, how dangerous it was.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nUrges, the teacher had called them. A word that stuck with you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had this sense of “urges” as a thing that needed to be completely buried, lest you made some horrible life-ruining mistake.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut you found outlets.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou had a computer connected to the internet, after all.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAfter a while, you became a virtuoso at finding things to suit your fancy, and your disk drive quickly ran out of space.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was the whole of your experience up to that point.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt wasn’t altogether a bad thing...\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nFor one thing, you saw things you were positive your classmates couldn’t even imagine.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you were smart about it. You knew those depictions were unrealistic, even though you didn’t know what it was really like.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was to be expected, wasn’t it?\n\n<<gains>>\nThese kinds of thoughts.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour parents seemed oblivious. They seemed to think you would simply find someone [[appropriate|1 Derek Eddy 4]] to your station, then woo and marry her.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[As if it were still the last century.|1 Derek Sex 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<timedgoto "1 Derek Beginning 1" 2s >>

\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/felix.blume/sounds/208024/">Countryside in Texas, insects and birds.</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/felix.blume/">felix.blume</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/mzui/sounds/135097/">Room Tone Office Quiet Distant Traffic.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/mzui/">mzui</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/FunnyMan374/sounds/108695/">Office Ambience.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/FunnyMan374/">FunnyMan374</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/sagetyrtle/sounds/37220/">kingpath.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/sagetyrtle/">sagetyrtle</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/OroborosNZ/sounds/141247/">Chadstone Shopping Mall</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/OroborosNZ/">OroborosNZ</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/cinevid/sounds/144162/">SmallTownNightLowTraffic.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/cinevid/">cinevid</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/cognito%20perceptu/sounds/31614/">starlings 2.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/cognito%20perceptu/">cognito perceptu</a>\n\n<a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/AnemoneBlondie/sounds/179503/">E.spring, country lane, song thrush, birds, brook.wav</a> by <a href="http://www.freesound.org/people/AnemoneBlondie/">AnemoneBlondie</a>\n

<<replace>>\n\n“Like what? Like an anime character?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou were floored.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou didn’t say anything.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“And if I’m an anime girl, then you’re like the protagonist of a hentai game.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe blood rushed to your face.\n\n<<gains>>\nShe– what?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHow did she know this? A lucky guess? Did she assume that anyone like you would have those? Your mind raced.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I’m... I’m not like–”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nLillian smirked. “I was just teasing.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou looked at each other, sitting on your bench, as the sun began to set.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou couldn’t help it.\n\n“How do you know about hentai games?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I learned a lot from them, actually.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“What?”\n\n<<gains>>\n“I did.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I’m not sure you learned anything good.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“Maybe not good things. But useful things.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“You assumed that I...?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“You wanted to start that anime club. Remember?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou flushed again.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOnce, in tenth grade, you had stood in front of town hall and asked if anyone was interested in helping to start an anime club. There had been some snickers and no volunteers.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe remembered this? \n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou laughed about this together.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAs the sun set that day you saw Lillian back to the bus station, feeling a strange lightness you had never felt before.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[It seemed so natural that you would meet again the following day.|Transition 5th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

\n~30 minutes\nuses sound\n\n\n[[> Start|Title Page]]\n

<<replace>>\n\nYou asked what his plans were.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe looked out at the trees.\n\n“I wanted to combine my interest in engineering with my interest in writing. So I thought I could be a technology writer. Maybe.” \n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Yeah? That’s cool.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“Really? Technology journalism?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe might have liked for you to convince him– to hear you say, no, technology journalism is important, and yes, it really is cool, or at least, cool in its own way. But even if you had done that, he would have known you were just saying it for his sake.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut you both wanted to maintain this closeness. So of course he said he would contact you once you were settled in New York. And you nodded, and said yes, of course.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou don’t remember where he actually went for college. Some big state place.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPeople are supposed to keep a special place for their hometowns, but there was nothing for you in Texas.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou wanted to get as far away from all of that as possible.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nMaybe the plan to escape was partly why you were okay with trying something with him in the first place.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had wanted to move to New York for as long as you could remember. When you finally did, it was the biggest transformation of your life.\n\nThe city was overwhelming.\n\nYou quickly fell in with a regular crew, and that led to your first published work, an affair that collapsed in flames, and a new self that you could have only imagined in high school.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou felt alive and powerful.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou would not say that you were really sure of yourself, then, but that you had at least gained the idea that you could be sure of yourself. You had glimpsed that in your future.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIn the years to come, you did remember Derek Wei once in a while.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[But to be honest, that brief flicker of memory faded to nothing in the searing light of your new life.|Transition 10th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<timedgoto "1 Lillian Beginning 1" 2s >>

<<replace>>\n\nLillian’s house smelled like old blankets. A little musty but like a long-lived-in home.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt smelled good.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe had invited you over as you parted at the bus stop, asking if you could come the very next day.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt made sense, maybe. When the two of you left, it seemed as though the conversation had been unfinished. And there wasn’t much time left before everyone went their separate ways.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“We have the place to ourselves, by the way. My parents went to Canada.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“Canada?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Ontario.” She didn’t seem to see the need to elaborate.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou thought about this for a long time.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat did it mean?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe place to yourselves.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPerhaps she was just saying this in an informative way. Or perhaps it indicated that anything could happen. That some kind of option was in the air, now.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe showed you her room.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBed. Desk, computer. A half-height bookshelf. Posters. Scholastic awards. \n\n<<gains>>\nA row of plush animals.\n\n<<gains>>\nNo other kid’s stuff, just hers.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“It must be nice being an only child,” you said.\n\nYou regretted saying that. Of course, it had its own difficulties, didn’t it? The full weight of parents’ hopes and dreams on a single child. Loneliness, maybe.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut she only said, “Yes. It is nice. I’m lucky.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThere was a sense of transgression being in this room, the room she grew up in.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIn a way it was so close, so intimate with her, to see these artifacts of her childhood and of her life. The desk where she did her homework, the bed where she slept every night.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWas it because you were afraid?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr did you just not think it proper.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr were you fighting some urge.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You thought about it. You did.\n\nYou thought– what if I just kissed her right now?|Transition 7th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #363636;\n\tbackground-image:url('data/derek_bkngd.png');\n\tbackground-repeat:no-repeat;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.4pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 24px;\n\tline-height: 150%;\n\tfont-family:'Libre Baskerville', 'Athelas', 'Hoefler Text', Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

<<timedgoto "1 Derek Sex 1" 2s >>

<<replace>>\n\nYou had a scene in your head where you told Derek Wei that he wasn’t on Gabby’s list, and he had a big, emotional, disconsolate reaction to the news, and you tried to explain to him why that was the case.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt’s not that you’re bad, not at all. Just that you’re... apart. You’re someone who doesn’t really fall into those categories.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou have no idea why you thought that would help.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou didn’t know much about him, anyway.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou knew his father taught at the university, like both of your [[parents|1 Lillian Eddy 4]].\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[One time you had been paired with him on a project in AP Chemistry, and he had been a good partner.|1 Lillian Derek 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nDerek was polite. So polite that it had almost been a parody of politeness, but you could see it came out of a good place, a genuine desire to not be a bad person.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat heightened awareness.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou thought you might have discerned an effect on him. The way he looked at you as you were speaking, then looked away as if he could not bear it, and then looked at you again.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut you might have been imagining that.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was really probably nothing.\n\nHe was just shy, is all.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSeveral months later, though, right as the year was ending, he came into the library and asked you if you wanted to “hang out.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat is hanging out? What does that mean?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou thought about the kind of person he was, how he’d probably spent days working up the courage to say it. And he did and it was fine. It sounded natural.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you had said– sure.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You had said yes.|Transition 4th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<replace>>\n\nSo there was this boy in your class. Derek.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNot someone you’d find on Gabby’s [[list|1 Lillian Eddy 3]].\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[Not that it mattered.|1 Lillian Derek 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<timedgoto "5 Lillian 2 Paths" 2s >>

<<timedgoto "4 Lillian" 2s >>

<<playsound "data/a_office.mp3">><<replace>>\n\n“I’ll get you copy tonight. Probably late.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“Great. I’ll review it first thing in the morning. Thanks, by the way– you’re saving my ass.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“No problem.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nFrom your office window you can see a small garden.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt’s nothing like the arboretum in Lubbock, but sometimes the light of a clear day reminds you of the leaves in the warm wind, the smell of sage, and this person, Lillian Korova.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAt times, you wonder if that ever really happened– a time when it seemed like you could just phase into another person.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour more recent experiences tell you this: that one falls in love and it seems so close and special for a brief moment, and then it fades away and mundane life begins again.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThere were maybe two people you were comfortable enough calling your girlfriend for any significant length of time.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThey were both nice people.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut something kept clawing back at you, something that told you that it was not right. That you would mess it up, somehow.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was the self-fulfilling prophecy that caused you to mess it up.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was your theory, anyway.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nMemory is a funny thing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou want to capture that moment in the arboretum, but you can’t be totally sure it happened the way you would like to think it did.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe journalistic truth (your professors told you) requires independence from one’s subject matter.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut then: how does one get at the truth of oneself?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour memory is filtered through your interpretation of the events, the way you’ve rehashed it in your mind, the way you’ve used it to explain yourself.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd your sense of it is still mixed up with the stories you’ve read since then.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe’d even admitted it, then– that she was deliberately acting like a fictional character.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNow, the sense of who she actually was, and the sense of some character in a fiction explicitly designed to be likable, are difficult to distinguish.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt doesn’t help that so many of these stories are built around a warm, hazy nostalgia.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhere does the real memory begin and the fictional conception of that type of memory end?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAn afternoon by the pond when you had both spoken so frankly about yourselves.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou would like to do what you can to enshrine that particular combination of memory and feeling you have about it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBecause you still think about it so often.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nTen years.\n\n<<gains>>\nTen years. How is that possible?\n\n<<gains>>\nYou’re twenty-eight now.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhen you get home after a day of covering the latest battles in the world of smartphones or video game consoles, you pour yourself some bourbon and try your best to put your feelings to paper.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nString those thoughts together into sentences.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWriting.\n\n<<gains>>\nIt’s humiliating.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut can you write something good and valuable and worth a damn?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You have to try it to find out.|Transition 11th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #363636;\n\tbackground-image:url('data/choice_bkngd.png');\n\tbackground-repeat:no-repeat;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.8pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 40px;\n\tline-height: normal;\n\tfont-family: 'Libre Baskerville', Athelas, Hoefler Text, Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n\t-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

<<timedgoto "3 Derek" 2s >>

<<playsound "data/a_credits.mp3">>\n<<timedreplace 2s>>\nThe Arboretum\n<<gains>>\nWords and music\n<<gains>><a href="http://magicalwasteland.com" target="_blank">Matthew S. Burns</a>\n<<gains>>\nAmbient recordings\n<<gains>><a href="http://freesound.org" target="_blank">Freesound.org</a>\n<<gains>>\nGraphic designs\n<<gains>><a href="http://orname.net" target="_blank">Orname</a>\n<<gains>>\nBuilt with\n<<gains>><a href="http://twinery.org" target="_blank">Twine 1.4.1</a>\n<<gains>>\nMacros\n<<gains>><a href="http://l.j-factor.com" target="_blank">Leon Arnott</a>\n<<gains>>\nStylesheet\n<<gains>>Richard D. Sharpe\n<<gains>>\nThanks to\n<<gains>>S. A. Wilkinson\n<<gains>><a href="http://maddoxpratt.com/" target="_blank">Maddox Pratt</a>\n<<gains>><a href="http://aliendovecote.com" target="_blank">P. C. Heartscape</a>\n<<gains>> \n<<gains>> \n2014.\n<<endtimedreplace>>

<<timedgoto "5 Derek" 5s >>

<<replace>>\n\nHis novella isn’t bad.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt’s well-written.\n\n<<gains>>\nHeartfelt.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIn your role as a literary agent, however–\n\n<<gains>>\nYou must acknowledge that it is not sellable.\n\n<<gains>>\nNo. Devin would laugh if you recommended it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThis kind of personal memoir would be better served as a chapbook from a small press or a self-published e-book.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nRealism and coming-of-age stories hardly ever do well.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAlso...\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt didn’t happen the way he wrote it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou were both young, in high school, naïve.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHis story only evoked the early part of a relationship when everything is great, when it really seems a person could be perfect and when you, yourself, show no weakness and know no injury.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBefore you start to reveal your deep flaws and deep wounds to each other.\n\n<<gains>>\nEventually that time comes.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut let’s get back to work.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nTo think that your lives had come, now, to this: your reading his idealized, semi-autobiographical story in the form of a submission to a literary agency.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat an unfathomable world.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHow should you deal with this?\n\n<<gains>>\nHow should you respond?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou could pen a message: polite, casually friendly, marveling that you should be in contact again under these circumstances, asking after his health after all these years. A polite apology explaining that while you enjoyed the piece, you cannot represent it due to its length and subject matter. A sincere wish that he might get it placed elsewhere. Finally– maybe– an invitation to coffee the next time he finds himself in New York.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr you could just let it go.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe doesn’t know you work here. Your name isn’t listed on the website and your social media accounts mention nothing of your day job. The query was probably just one of the hundreds that he has been sending. And it’s not like there would be much of a point to say hello. People move on for a reason.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYes, that might be better: to let him go.\n\n<<gains>>\nHe’s on his own trajectory now.\n\n<<gains>>\nNo use trying to revive the past.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd yet...\n\n<<gains>>\nThat day at the arboretum, so long ago, when he told you he thought you perfectly capable of achieving literary success.\n\n<<gains>>\nSaid so matter-of-factly.\n\n<<gains>>\nDoes that mean anything?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSometimes, seemingly small decisions have tremendous effects upon our lives.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[And sometimes you can sense those moments of profound consequence.|5 Lillian Choice]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #363636;\n\tbackground-image:url('data/choice_bkngd.png');\n\tbackground-repeat:no-repeat;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.4pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 16px;\n\tline-height: 150%;\n\tfont-family:'Libre Baskerville', 'Athelas', 'Hoefler Text', Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n\t-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: #CCCCCC;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

<<replace>>\n\nAnd why wouldn’t you spend most of your time alone?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt wasn’t that you couldn’t be friendly if you wanted to be.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was that most people didn’t seem worth your time.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nA snobby thing to think, maybe.\n\n<<gains>>\nBut a true thing to think.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nEven today, you make no apologies for that behavior. One’s classmates, thrown together by circumstance, could never be destined to be some kind of peer group that you wanted anything to do with. There was no reason to pretend otherwise.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had something special– you really did.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you had a story for yourself to sustain you through high school’s trial. A story where you had intense, impassioned discussions about art and aesthetics and literature with smart, intelligent, witty people, people who cared, cared so deeply about these things.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nTheir eyes flashing as they spoke.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was a good thought. A good dream.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSurely there were people out there who felt this way. \n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou’d find those people eventually.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[At the time, though, you were not in an environment where you could be yourself.|1 Lillian Beginning 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nYou feel like you have so much to say.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe fact that nobody pays much attention to you makes it all the more urgent.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt is just a matter of how you will approach it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nStories course through your head every day.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nEvery person you meet becomes a character in a small drama of your own making.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThis marked you for being writer, didn’t it?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAfter all, you wanted to tell the world these dramas.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You wanted everyone to know the stories that showed us who we were.|1 Lillian Beginning 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nGabby had these notes on boys. She kept these detailed write-ups.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nGood points, bad points. Facts and figures. Habits. Ratings of hotness.\n\n<<gains>>\nThe usual thing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nTo this day you remember some of those sentences, those judgements, so clearly.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHer notes were quite influential, someone had said.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nEven though everyone eventually saw them, she meant originally to share them only with select friends and allies. For some reason you were one of those close associates. You never understood why– perhaps because you were safe, belonging to no clique.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPerhaps you got this information because you were someone who expressly did not need it, since you had made not an inconsiderable effort into telegraphing your disinterest in that sort of thing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWho had the heart to tell Gabby that this was so silly?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPerhaps if you had cared more it would have been you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAs it was, you appreciated being kept on the list’s distribution because, you reasoned, it gave you a window into the way typical girls thought about typical boys in high school.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[That could be something for you to write about later.|1 Lillian Derek 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nIt wouldn’t be exactly right to say your parents expected a lot of you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was more that they couldn’t even imagine a world where you were not marked for greatness.\n\n<<gains>>\nYour father especially.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe took literary achievement more seriously than your mother did, even though they were both professors, and in spite of the fact that she technically outranked him.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you did want to write. But if you expressed almost any other interest he would shake his head slowly, put his hands on his lap, and sigh.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat’s how he dealt with things.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Is this the daughter we’re raising?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat’s when you knew to go to your room and close the door. Or go outside.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“You’re the one who wanted a child...”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou wanted to help your parents feel better about things so they wouldn’t get into their “discussions.”\n\n<<gains>>\nYou really did.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[So you wrote as much as you could.|1 Lillian Derek 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nThere were a couple forms you could do that you remembered from childhood lessons.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSnake.\n\n<<gains>>\nCrane.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe lessons stopped early on, but you realized that your memory of those things was something you could feature about yourself.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt demonstrated a certain power, a certain masculinity. Something to let people know not to mess with you. An entire civilization’s worth of power and mystery behind you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe only problem was that every once in a while you could be called upon to perform.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nKicks, quick snaps with the leg.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“That’s right! Our very own kung fu master Derek Wei! The next fucking Jet Li right here.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you would put your palms together and bow, like you’d seen in the movies.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[A fake way to be cool.|1 Derek Beginning 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #363636;\n\tbackground-image:url('data/lillian_bkngd.png');\n\tbackground-repeat:no-repeat;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.4pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 24px;\n\tline-height: 150%;\n\tfont-family:'Libre Baskerville', 'Athelas', 'Hoefler Text', Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n\t-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: #FFFFFF;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

<<replace>>\n\n“A real man loses his virginity before graduating high school.”\n\n<<gains>>\nThat was a thing that Garrett had said.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was obviously ridiculous.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAll the same, you still felt something.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nA fear, maybe, that you might be left behind?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSo what if you really were a loser? What if your virginity was not a sign of your prudence, but your [[undesirability|1 Derek Eddy 3]]?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You were prepared to get through life not being the most handsome person.|1 Derek Sex 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nEveryone seemed so stuck in the past.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat disconnection was partially how you became brave enough to actually talk to Lillian one day.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had nothing to lose. Everyone was leaving for college or wherever else they were going.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSo it’s not like you were after anything.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou just wanted to talk to someone.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[To try, however fitfully, to make a connection.|Transition 3rd]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<playsound "data/a_footsteps.mp3">><<replace>>\n\nFor a while in your life it was so easy to make fun of your home town, Texas, the Bible Belt– all of that. Especially just after you had left.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhen you were in undergrad it seemed necessary to cast its mortifying provinciality and religiousness in as poor a light as possible.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou told your new New York friends about Lubbock, and they laughed and pitied you.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou were happy that they laughed.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBeing part of that scene ironically precluded your getting very many words to paper.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThere were so many events to attend, blogs to write, podcasts to be on.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt was more about performing the act of being a writer, being writerly, than it was about producing work.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nFor a while, you thought Devin was above all that.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you and he had shared some things.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThen it turned out he wasn’t above that, or above much at all.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAll of the events with Devin (which you see no need to recall now) could have easily turned out much worse than they did.\n\nInstead, you now work at his literary agency.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt’s only slightly weird.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe likes your judgement, is what he says.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe asks for your opinion.\n\n“Let me know if any of these are interesting,” he says, passing the agency’s unsolicited queries to you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOf course, most of them aren’t.\n\n<<gains>>...a tale of intrigue and desperation...\n<<gains>>...must race against the clock to save...\n<<gains>>...memoir of uncompromising beauty...\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOut of the pile of submissions, though, something does catch your eye.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nthe awkward son of a professor of electrical engineering at a regional university\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIs it–?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThen–\n\n<<gains>>\nThe Arboretum\na novella by Derek Wei\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou haven’t seen the name in so long.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou haven’t even thought of him in so long.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nSo he has been writing.\n\n<<gains>>\nThat’s good to know–\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou must be in it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou must be in this story. A character in his novella. Wouldn’t you be?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nHe wouldn’t write about his youth without mentioning you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou’re dreading how he’s described you in this.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou were so awkward then, so withdrawn, so unhappy. You’re better now and you want people to know you as you are now, not high school you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You will have to read this right away.|Transition 12th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<replace>>\n\nYou were nothing like the lively social girl everyone immediately loved.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNothing like the clever one with the quick wit that somehow solved problems it seemed like it would’ve taken more than just a quick wit to solve.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNothing like the girl with that affected wariness, the implication of so many experiences at her age– whether they had really happened or not.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nBut there was a difference. You knew something.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou couldn’t say, exactly, what you knew or how you knew it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAll you could say, then, was that you knew something that nobody else seemed to know, and that it would be your urgent life’s work to make people aware of that thing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nDespite what they thought of you now.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe seems introverted and awkward at first blush, which only makes it all the more astonishing when she reveals the depth of her intellect and the breadth of her knowledge...\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat’s how you imagined someone writing about you.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou had this idea that someone would write about you, one day.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou would be discovered for something– your [[novels|1 Lillian Eddy 2]], or your personal essays, or your literary criticism, or something.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[Something important.|1 Lillian Beginning 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n\n

<<replace>>\n\nYou were so concerned with this future of literary achievement that the day-to-day of a nondescript high school girl seemed hardly worth caring for.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[Just focus on that future.|Transition 2nd]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<playsound "data/a_crowd.mp3">><<replace>>\n\n“Lillian.”\n\n<<gains>>\n“Lillian, are you listening to me?”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou weren’t, of course. But you said yes.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Pay attention, Lillian. You can’t solve a quadratic equation with a poem.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou laugh, thinking of yourself then.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThis image of a seventeen-year-old girl, straight dark hair cascading down her face, tucking a volume of Byron under her arm as she made her way through the school halls.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“Bookish,” they said about you. “Reserved.”\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[Isolated|1 Lillian Eddy 1]] [[from her peers.|1 Lillian Beginning 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<timedgoto "4 Derek" 2s >>

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags. */\n\n/* Plain Sugarcane Stylesheet version 1.03 by Richard D. Sharpe, Dec. 30, 2013 */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page. */\n\n\t/* Remove default styles */\n\tcolor: white;\n\tbackground-color: #2E2E2E;\n\tmargin: 0;\n}\n\n#sidebar {\n\t/* This affects the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\n\t/* Removes the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tdisplay: none; \n}\n\n#passages { \n\t/* This is a container for all passages displayed on the page */\n\n\t/* Removes the vertical line to the left of Sugarcane passages */\n\tborder: 0;\n\n\t/* Removes the space left from removing the Sugarcane sidebar */\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\t/* Creates space between the passage and the top and bottom of the page */\n\tpadding-bottom: 5%;\n\tpadding-left: 0;\n\tpadding-right: 0;\n\tpadding-top: 5%;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\n\t/* Passage width */\n\twidth: 640px;\n\n\t/* Passage height */\n\theight: auto;\n\n\t/* Centers the passage horizontally */\n\tmargin-left: auto;\n\tmargin-right: auto;\n\n\t/* Padding */\n\tpadding-top:25px;\n\tpadding-bottom:25px;\n\tpadding-right:50px;\n\tpadding-left:50px;\n\n\t/* Text formatting */\n\tfont-style: normal;\n\tfont-variant: normal;\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tfont-stretch: normal;\n\tletter-spacing:-1.4pt;\n\tword-spacing:2pt;\n\tfont-size: 24px;\n\tline-height: 150%;\n\tfont-family:'Libre Baskerville', 'Athelas', 'Hoefler Text', Palatino, Georgia, serif;\n\t-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;\n\n\t/* Sets the passage background color */\n\tbackground: transparent;\n}\n\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\n\n\tfont-weight: normal;\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\n\tcolor: white;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}

The Arboretum

.transition-in .char {\n\tcolor:transparent !important;\n\ttext-shadow: black 0 0 1em;\n}\n.passage:not(.transition-out) .char {\n\ttransition: 5s;\n\t-webkit-transition: 5s;\n}\n.transition-out {\n\tdisplay:none;\n}

<<playsound "data/a_pedals.mp3">>\n<<timedreplace 1.5s>>\nYou have a choice.\n\n\n\n<<gains>>[[Send him a message.|5 Lillian Choice A]]\n<<gains>>[[Don’t send a message.|5 Lillian Choice B]]\n<<endtimedreplace>>

<<timedgoto "5 Lillian" 2s >>

<<playsound "data/a_arboretum_pedals.mp3">><<replace>>\n\nAs the last light of the sun disappeared over the gazebo in the arboretum, you learned that Lillian Korova would be moving to New York in just a few days.\n\n<<gains>>\nTo attend Columbia.\n\n<<gains>>\nCreative writing.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou must have said something about how fancy that seemed, how sure her future was, how great it would be to enter the literary scene.\n\n<<gains>>\n“Thanks. Well, I’ll probably fail immediately.” \n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you told her, no, that this was clearly what she was meant to do in life, and that you could tell that. And that, while you were no expert in literature, you could perceive she had some eye, some sense, something that would lead her to literary success.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n“I do want to stay in touch with you,” she’d said.\n\n<<gains>>\nOr maybe it was you who had said that.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAt the time it really felt that way– that something had just started to bud and that, despite the distance you now had to cross, it could still bloom.\n\n<<gains>>\nIt would still bloom.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou could not bear to let go of the idea that something had taken root today.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt didn’t even matter, you thought, if it was romantic or just a close friendship.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou wanted her to be around.\n\n<<gains>>\nYou wanted to be around her.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAnd you cared enough that the distance wouldn’t mean anything.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[You believed it could work. That it could be something.|Transition 9th]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

Setting up...\n\n<<timedgoto "Warnings" 2s >>\n

version.extensions.timedgotoMacro={major:1,minor:2,revision:0};\nmacros["goto"]=macros.timedgoto={timer:null,handler:function(a,b,c,d){function cssTimeUnit(s){if(typeof s=="string"){if(s.slice(-2).toLowerCase()=="ms"){return +(s.slice(0,-2))||0\n}else{if(s.slice(-1).toLowerCase()=="s"){return +(s.slice(0,-1))*1000||0\n}}}throwError(a,s+" isn't a CSS time unit");return 0}var t,d,m,s;\nt=c[c.length-1];d=d.fullArgs();m=0;if(b!="goto"){d=d.slice(0,d.lastIndexOf(t));\nm=cssTimeUnit(t)}d=eval(Wikifier.parse(d));if(d+""&&state&&state.init){if(macros["goto"].timer){clearTimeout(macros["goto"].timer)\n}s=state.history[0].passage.title;macros["goto"].timer=setTimeout(function(){if(state.history[0].passage.title==s){state.display(d,a)\n}},m)}}};

<<replace>>\n\nSomething gripped you, pulled you down.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIt’s not like you didn’t understand what they wanted from you at school. It just didn’t seem worth it to perform, despite the parade of adults telling you that it was.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nPerhaps you enjoyed confounding people’s expectations of you, being the Asian son of a professor.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nWhat if you just didn’t give a shit about math or science, or any of it?\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAt the time, it was a radical notion.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nNobody had a good answer for why you should care.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nAt least you turned out okay– more or less.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYou survived high school in small-town Texas and you went on to become a functioning adult with a decent job in a competitive field.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nIf you were an outcast then, you think that perhaps it was at least partially by choice– you were a little more mature than they were. That’s how you thought of it.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThe most you did to be popular then was a kind of [[performance|1 Derek Eddy 2]].\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[It had little to do with who you really were.|1 Derek Beginning 3]]\n\n<<endreplace>>\n

<<replace>>\n\n[[No wonder you found yourself without much enthusiasm for the world.|Transition 1st]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

<<replace>>\n\nIt doesn’t feel like any other memory– those few days.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThinking back to that point in time is like recalling a story you read once, not something that really happened.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nOr it’s like you were a different person.\n\n<<gains>>\nSomeone else. Not Derek.\n\n<<gains>>\nNot Derek Wei.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nYour mother had this way of saying that name as if it were an incantation, a spell.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nShe expected so much from you. If it had been up to her, that time would have been devoted solely to the goal of entering a famous university.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\nThat was partly [[Sophie’s|1 Derek Eddy 1]] fault.\n\n<<becomes>>\n\n[[But that couldn’t explain all of it.|1 Derek Beginning 2]]\n\n<<endreplace>>

\n\n\n\n\n\n\nDon’t send a message.\n<<timedgoto "End Transition" 12s >>

Matthew S. Burns

<<timedgoto "1 Lillian Derek 1" 2s >>

<<timedgoto "3 Lillian" 2s >>

<<timedgoto "Credits" 2s >>

<<playsound "data/a_birdsong.mp3">>\n\n<center>[[The Arboretum|Transition 0]]</center>