Why Finding Love Shouldn’t Feel Like a 100-Hour Fetch Quest

Have you ever felt like dating online is a lot like an indie Japanese video game with no plot, ending, or save points?

It feels like a never-ending circle of swiping, matching, texting, Facetiming, meeting, and then losing it all only to start from scratch again. Seems like the final boss is so far away and unattainable that it’s not even worth trying to get to them.

Something that we see more often these days is the modern dating fatigue caused by many factors including, undeniably, the gamification of dating. When dating apps are more focused on funky mechanics and engagement metrics than the number of genuine connections they produce, that’s when an authentic bond is no longer a priority, hence more people are burnt out from the process altogether.

So, what now? Are we all doomed? Will dating forever be this hard-core 90s game where you are constantly hurting and losing, ending up frustrated and drained after spending weeks’ worth of time on gameplay, yet no prize in sight?

Things are not as bad, at least for now, we promise. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s in our power to shift the narrative and change the way we date.

Dating Apps as an Unwinnable Game

If you feel that using dating apps is similar to playing a game that you cannot win, you’re not alone. But why is it like that? There are a few reasons for this phenomenon.

#1 The Paradox of Choice: Too Many Options, yet No Clear Path to Success

The musical legend Cheryl Cole once said in her hit called “Fight for This Love”: too much of anything can make you sick, even the good can be a curse.

Humans aren’t meant to be exposed to so much of everything. All the ads we’re seeing, all the content we’re consuming, all the dating profiles we’re going through. It’s just too much. The evolution is clearly not catching up with the technology fast enough, leaving humans overwhelmed, frustrated, and anxious.

When you open an app and see thousands if not more of hot singles who are ready to mingle, you feel lost and don’t know where to start. Too many choices in dating create an intense sense of FOMO where you’ve constantly worried that:

1. You should go on dates all the time because look how many gorgeous people are there to meet!
2. Whoever you choose to be with will not be the optimal choice because, again, so many singles are still out there! And so many of them are hotter, smarter, better, etc.

Needless to say, this is a rather toxic mentality that one finds themselves in and struggles to get out of.

#2 Swiping as Grinding: A Repetitive Loop that Doesn’t Guarantee Progress

If it’s not being overwhelmed with choice, then it’s the horrendous repetitive cycle of swiping that leads nowhere. You swipe cuties, some of them swipe you back and there’s a match, you try and talk to them, but something doesn’t work out, and you move on.

Some dating app users go through this repetitive loop over and over again and eventually end up with dating app burnout, no partner, and lots of regrets.

#3 The Horsemen of Dating Apocalypse

The third factor that makes dating feel like an unwinnable game is the “failed states” of modern dating:

• Ghosting – someone abruptly falling from the face of Earth, ignoring all your calls, texts, and engagements on social media.
• Benching – when they’re being smart and sending you occasional texts to keep you interested enough. In the meantime, they are chasing their primary dating goal and keeping you as a fallback option. It is also known as paperclipping.
• Breadcrumbing – similar to benching, but here the person has no intention of ever becoming an item with you, and they’re doing it just for funzies, or because they’re evil.
• Orbiting – low-key creepy behavior when a person is essentially orbiting around you, following you on social media, and linking your posts but not actually reaching out with texts or calls.
• Zombieing – the next level of ghosting where a person has the audacity to suddenly reappear in your life after ghosting as if nothing happened.
• Stashing – keeping you secret from everyone, including friends, family, and social media.

If those “amazing” dating trends weren’t enough, there is also endless chatting that goes nowhere and mismatched expectations that leave you upset and alone, as you can’t proceed with this person unless you want to be miserable.

How Dating Culture Mirrors Video Game Mechanics

If you look at modern dating more closely, you’ll see that it mirrors many of the video game mechanics.

First, there are achievements and validation. If you do everything right, if you fill up your profile and bio with witty phrases and gorgeous images, if you’re naturally pretty or achieve beauty with filters, you get many more likes and matches than others.

Some individuals get so hung up on the sense of gratification that they get from being liked and admired, that they develop sort of an addiction to the dating app and its workflow. Every new like and chat feels like an extra achievement. What if you’re matched with 100 users? This can be level one in the game, and then once you get 150 or 200 matches, you move on to the next level.

Although it’s understandably nice to be liked, and the sense of validation is something we all crave, it becomes a problem when it is valued more than genuine human connection.

Another similarity to games is in the dating profiles that resemble avatars in video games. We’re carefully crafting the photos, choosing the best angles, and editing them a bit to accentuate certain features.

Then there is strategically choosing what photos to post in a sense of what they tell about us, such as whether to post a half-naked selfie of you sitting on top of a sports car or a photo of you in the jungle hiking. Both can be a part of your personality, but only one part of it you’re willing to share with the world. As a result, we end up having those “better” versions of ourselves in dating apps, kind of like we do in video games. This online version is prettier, funnier, and gets more romantic attention, so you continue to feed into the avatar myth, slowly moving away from the real you.

Speedrunning Relationships vs. Slow-burn Storytelling

In video games, speedrunning is a strategy of completing the game where nothing really matters except the speed at which you get to finish it. If you look it up on YouTube, you’ll see plenty of videos with people pulling insane speedruns and completing games that normally take hours in literal minutes.

One way of being a good speedrunner is by skipping any extra quests and missions, looking for shortcuts, and making use of glitches in the game. As you can guess, there is no time to enjoy the graphics, the plot, or any of the little details that game developers worked so hard to create.

Some people take the speedrunning approach in gaming and apply it to dating without realizing that rushing rarely works. Meaningful online dating requires you to slow down, go through all dialogues with main and side characters, complete side missions and quests, and spend some time in the game to truly get to know it.

Slow-burn storytelling is the opposite of speedrunning, and it’s exactly what you need to build trust and intimacy and to genuinely understand what the other person is like.

It’s cliche, but a cliche for a reason – you need to focus on the journey, not the destination if you want to truly enjoy something. Whether it’s a game, your love life, a vacation, or anything else. The only thing that speedrunning gives you is shallow connections and disappointment as you wonder how you end up in a relationship or on a date with someone who’s a completely different person than you expected or thought they were.

Flure’s Alternative Approach to the Dating Game

When it comes to dating, the Flure dating app is taking the best of both worlds.

Users get fun, game-like tools and instruments in the app to help lower the entry barrier and be more relaxed as they browse for future partners. There are in-app games that help those who match get to know each other better. However, unlike with some other platforms, those games are not for entertainment only, but rather they serve as a way for people to deepen their bond and strengthen the connection.

Also, playing a game is a great option to see through someone’s personality and avatars. Just like when you play Monopoly with your friends, all your true character traits shine through, the same happens with Flure’s dating app games.

The advanced algorithm of the dating platform makes sure that users are matched based on comprehensive sets of factors, so there is a higher chance of them liking each other. This prevents dating burnout and promotes quality interactions.

The dating app’s blog provides lots of expert materials on a range of topics to guide and assist users in their love-searching journey.

Embracing the Open-World Mentality of Love

It’s not 100% wrong to treat dating apps like video games. There are similarities after all. However, it’s important to remember that love isn’t a final boss battle. It’s an ongoing, evolving journey.

While sure, we all want to win at the end and find someone special, you’ll ultimately win by embracing the exploration mode instead. Stay open-minded and positive, reach out to people, and go on dates, but also don’t forget to live your life and focus on your goals, hobbies, and friends.

Finding romance is an important mission, but it’s not the core goal of the game called life. You can live a fulfilled life whether single or in a relationship. In fact, the more full and enjoyable your everyday routines are, the likelier you are to find this special person who will treat you right and complement your life.