“Abigail, Don’t You Think I Know What You’ve Done?”

Some people loved James Wan’s Malignant from 2021. Some people hated it. I can understand where both are coming from, though I can only agree with the former group. That said, I think we can all agree that Malignant’s marketing campaign was, in many ways, its best friend.

By keeping its batshit central conceit close to the vest and positioning Malignant as yet another straight-faced ghost movie in the Conjuring vein, the marketing team not only guaranteed that the largest number of people would see it in the theater, but also ensured that they would be talking about it afterward.

I bring this up because Abigail’s marketing department sort of did the opposite. Watching Abigail – the latest thing from “Radio Silence” duo Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, most recently of the nu-Screams and Ready or Not – it’s obvious that this film was not originally made to be marketed as a “vampire ballerina” movie, partly to cash in on the TikTok success of 2022’s M3GAN.

It is something like 50 minutes into a 109-minute film before there is any indication of vampirism at all, and it is clearly meant to be a surprise when it finally happens. Of course, anyone who has seen the trailer for Abigail knows that it not only spoils this twist, it explains it in painstaking detail, about as much as the movie ever does, even using the words “vampire ballerina” and revealing some of the vampire’s specific abilities – which are also deployed, in the film, as unexpected turns.

Even if you somehow managed to avoid the ubiquitous trailer, the film’s posters aren’t really any more coy. The key art depicts the eponymous Abigail (Alisha Weir) with blood on her dress and mouth, accompanied by the tagline, “Children can be such monsters,” while one (fan-made, I think) alternate poster intentionally evokes Fright Night.

So, it’s basically impossible to watch Abigail without already being aware of a reveal that the film’s entire structure hinges on. It would be one thing if this was actually just the first twist in a staggering series, but it’s obviously meant to be the big surprise, the one that comes roughly halfway through the movie and turns everything you thought you knew on its head.

Even without its marketing campaign sweeping any legs it might ever have possessed out from under it, however, Abigail was never destined to be any great shakes. After all, its narrative structure is essentially just “what if From Dusk Till Dawn was way less ambitious?” It’s a film that is almost aggressively undercooked, all of its ideas barely touched, let alone meaningfully utilized.

Take, for example, the house in which the entire movie takes place. (We are operating once again in a very Ready or Not register here.) Despite the fact that it is our only major setting and we spend nearly 100 minutes here, we never get a real sense of the place. It is full of rooms that look kinda cool, in a Haunted Mansion sort of way, but no concept of how they fit together.

And though the team of criminals at the heart of the film ostensibly cased the joint and spent two hours making sure that it was secure, they not only missed the elaborate system of shutters and gates which traps them inside, the house is also filled with unlocked rooms that they didn’t bother to explore. Even taking into account that they’re maybe not supposed to be great at their jobs, you’d think they would at least get a bug to wander around some, maybe find that swimming pool full of corpses that’s just laying around.

Of course, this is 2024, when undercooked and overexplained movies stuffed to the gills with quippy dialogue are the name of the game. In that landscape, Abigail fits right in. And, unlike many of its contemporaries, Abigail is genuinely fun most of the time, even if you have to step around a lot of shit to enjoy it.

The cast doesn’t hurt. Dan Stevens is great, as always. (It’s been a boom year for Dan Stevens fans, of which I am definitely one.) Kevin Durand has good Drax energy, despite his distracting resemblance to Elon Musk, and Kathryn Newton seems to be having a good year for Hot Topic anime goths.

Ultimately, what really keeps Abigail afloat despite its many impediments is a poppy energy – something that the Radio Silence guys have always been good at, though you would be forgiven for not knowing it, if you’ve only watched the nu-Screams. As fun as Abigail manages to be, though, imagine how much more fun it would have been if the marketing hadn’t kicked its legs out from under it?

And while everyone is talking about that Danzig song, there is absolutely no excuse for not using the King Diamond song anywhere in the movie.

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Orrin Grey is a writer, editor, game designer, and amateur film scholar who loves to write about monsters, movies, and monster movies. He’s the author of several spooky books, including How to See Ghosts & Other Figments. You can find him online at orringrey.com.