Nintendo Switch FAQ
A tongue-in-cheek but also painfully earnest look at pop culture, politics, music, videogames, travel, fatherhood and anything else that deserves to be ridiculed mercilessly while at the same time regarded with the utmost respect and sobriety. It is written by Matt Marrone and emailed to Stu Horvath, who adds any typos or factual errors that might appear within.
———
This column is a reprint from Unwinnable Monthly #92. If you like what you see, grab the magazine for less than ten dollars, or subscribe and get all future magazines for half price.
———
The following is very loosely based on an almost daily lunch conversation I have with my coworker, Kevin. He wants a Nintendo Switch, and will likely own one by the time this goes to print, but has periodically struggled over whether to shell out 300 bucks for a B-list gaming system.
Full disclosure: I am in a similar boat. I am hoping VR gets really good, really soon, and maybe makes my decision for me. But until then . . . on to our semi-fictional FAQ:
Should I buy a Nintendo Switch?
No.
Wait, really?
Yes.
OK, now I’m confused – was that a yes, I shouldn’t, or a yes, I should?
Don’t be a sucker.
But isn’t the new Zelda game awesome?
It’s very awesome.
How about that Mario game?
That looks awesome, too.
So there you go.
The answer’s still no.
But those are rad games. And an extension of my childhood.
OK, but what other Switch games are you interested in?
I’m the one asking the questions here, pally.
You still haven’t answered mine, though: Once the two flagship franchises are out, what other games do you want to play on this underpowered excuse for a gaming console, given Nintendo’s less and less “recent” history of delivering little beyond the tentpole titles?
I can’t think of any. Maybe that one you can battle with your friends, I forget what it’s called?
You mean 1-2 Switch? You have no friends.
True.
Indeed. And what about games like Portal?
What’s Portal?
Let’s just move on.
So . . . The Switch, it’s just so conveniently portable! Isn’t that worth it?
How do you commute to work?
I drive.
A-ha.
I’m still buying it. I can easily get my money’s worth off hours and hours and hours of Breath of the Wild. I have disposable income specifically earmarked in my budget for wasting on Nintendo crap – and nothing better to do with my time anyway.
Well, I can’t argue with that. Case closed.
———
Matt Marrone is a senior MLB editor at ESPN.com. He has been Unwinnable’s reigning Rookie of the Year since 2011. You can follow him on Twitter @thebigm.
