Unwinnable Presents Stuffed On Santa

Christmas Wishes

“What Child Is This,” by Sy Mann

“Come On Christmas,” by Cheap Trick

“David Christmas,” by Fucked Up

“Teenage Christmas,” by Jacobites

“It Must Be Christmas,” by Love Cinema Vol. 6

“Don’t Shoot Me Santa,” by The Killers

“Oh No! It’s Christmas Again,” by Mother and the Addicts

“O Come All Ye Faithful,” by Bad Religon

“Wrestlemania Christmas,” by The Yule Logs

“Little Drummer Boy,” by August Burns Red

“It’s Always Christmas Time,” by Al Jourgensen and Mark Thwaite

“Fuck You If You Don’t Like Christmas,” by Crudbump

Crazy Eddie

“Little Drummer Boy,” by Synthesized Christmas

“Gaudete,” by Erasure

“Player’s Ball,” by Outkast

“XMAS_EVET10 [120][thanaton3 mix],” by Aphex Twin

“Christmas At Hogwarts,” by John Williams

“It Happened On Christmas Day,” by Leaetherstrip

“Scrooge And Marley, I Don’t Want It To Be Me,” by The Streets

“Goth Christmas,” by The Ornamentals

“The Christmas Song,” by London After Midnight

”Ring Out, Solstice Bells,” by Jethro Tull

“Fairytale of the North,” by Tyske Ludder

“O Holy Night,” by Eva O and Eric Clayton

“Another Lonely Christmas,” by Prince

“The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire),” by *NSYNC

“Christmas in the Stars,” by Meco

“God Rest Ye Merry Gents,” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings

“Minnie and Santa,” by Cyndi Lauper

12 Days of Deletion with Broken Matt Hardy, Brother Nero, Reby Hardy, Señor Benjamin and Vanguard 1

“Do You Fear What I Fear?,” by H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society

“Captain Santa Claus (And His Reindeer Space Patrol),” by Bobby Helms

“We Want Video Games,” by Misfitsmas

“Shouldn’t Have Given Him A Gun For Christmas,” by Wall Of Voodoo

“Christmas You Go So Fast,” by Matthew Bogart

“I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas,” by The Three Stooges

“Christmas Feeling Ska,” by Toots & the Maytals

“White Christmas,” by Helloween

“You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” by Misfits

“Merry Christmas Everybody,” by Pulled Apart By Horses

“Don’t Shoot Me Santa,” by The Killers

Every year, The Killers release a Christmas single that benefits the RED Foundation. Don’t Shoot Me Santa is from 2007 and kicks off a trilogy in which The Killers face off against a murderous Santa Claus who shoots all the bad kids. The band’s work is greatly influenced by their hometown, Las Vegas, as well as the surrounding Mojave desert, and its sense of cowboy vigilante justice permeates this song and video.

– Melissa King

“O Come All Ye Faithful,” by Bad Religion

The idea of Bad Religion, a punk band formed in protest of organized religion, spending hours in a recording studio to record songs revolving around a Christian holiday is a funny one. But they did it, and it’s fantastic. Obviously this is satire, but it’s also an homage to lead man Greg Graffin’s childhood in church choir. The whole album is ripe with Bad Religion’s signature musical stylings, such as harmony and energetic solos, and rarely leaves my car stereo during the month of December.

– Sam Desatoff

“Little Drummer Boy,” by August Burns Red

I’ve never really gotten into August Burns Red; the metalcore band is definitely technically proficient and, but their abrasively harsh, screamed vocals never sit well with me. This could very well be a symptom of metalcore music itself—honestly a much maligned genre if you ask me—but listening to their Christmas album was such a treat, precisely because most of their songs were instrumental.

I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.

And why a joy the album was! My pick was their cover of “Little Drummer Boy” because it was so tastefully done, and devoid of the dramatics (the overwrought screaming and redundant guitar chugging) so typical of the genre. Put on your favourite plaid shirt, grab a Santa hat and chug down a nice cool glass of beer—it’s time to head bang into the new year.

– Chan Khee Hoon

“Player’s Ball,” by Outkast

“Now I’m here to tell you there’s a better day
When the player’s ball is happening, all day ery’ day”

What if I told you that this part originally said the player’s ball is happening “on Christmas Day”?

The sleigh bells in the instrumental always stood out but I recently learned via NPR that the original release of Outkast’s “Player’s Ball” was a part of a Christmas compilation for the record label called LaFace Family Christmas. The album version of the song included strange edits and bits of silence and it turns out…they were Christmas themed. That Outkast was tasked with creating a Christmas song that ended up being an anti-Christmas look at life in Atlanta (“You thought I’d break my neck to help y’all Deck the Halls?” Andre raps) and became one of their biggest hits is simply another dope chapter in the legendary Hip Hop duo’s history.

– Charles Singletary

“Christmas In Hogwarts,” by John Williams

I was thinking… do wizards believe in Santa? Is Santa a wizard? Is there some non-muggle equivalent? I mean, they clearly get Christmas gifts at Hogwarts, so how does this work? Either way, picture yourself sitting under hundreds of floating candles eating a pudding or pasty while John Williams’ whimsical take on a young wizard’s first Christmas in an another world plays around you.

– Erik Weinbrecht

“Ring Out, Solstice Bells,” by Jethro Tull

Not so much a Christmas song as a song for the Solstice. A great one to play if you feel like arguing with your relatives about how early Christians co-opted pagan celebrations.

– Don Becker

“The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire),” by *NSYNC

For Christmas, what more do you need but the fine harmonizing of boy-bands singing about all the things that make Christmas great. All jokes aside, this is one of my mothers favorite Christmas album so we usually play it when we’re decking the tree and it feels way more seasonal to me than anything else.

– Amanda Hudgins

“Minnie and Santa,” by Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper returns to Christmas with another suggestive anthem about a girl named Minnie and her obsession with Santa. Lauper does a great job hiding Minnie’s depravity beneath a cute and jolly holiday song although I don’t think she’ll ever top her scathing duet with The Hives on A Christmas Duel. This is one for the record books!

– Ken Lucas

“Captain Santa Claus (and His Reindeer Space Patrol),” by Bobby Helms

This isn’t a good song, but it is an amazing one. I found it the other day on an old 45 long forgotten in my basement and I knew it had to go on our Christmas mix. It was a sign. A Christmas miracle, if you will. In it, Santa’s sleigh breaks down, so the elves build him a rocket ship. That’s it. I imagine they outfitted the reindeer with fishbowl space helmets, too, because of course they did. The 50s were a strange time in music.

“Captain Santa Claus,” of course, is the b-side. The a-side? Truly one of the greatest Christmas songs ever: “Jingle Bell Rock.”

– Stu Horvath

“Christmas You Go So Fast,” by Matthew Bogart
I don’t watch the TV show Vinyl, but this song was in an episode. In the show Vinyl, Broadway actor, Matt Bogart, plays the part of Robert Goblet. In the show Vinyl, an early 1970’s Robert Goulet, wants to record a new Christmas song. This is the fake song Matt Bogart sang, as Robert Goblet. This song is funny, and Vinyl has since been cancelled. I reiterate, I have never watched Vinyl.

– Charles Moran

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