Geek Cuisine

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  • Here’s the scenario:

    Panic strikes you as the last flavored bits of cool ranch dust float from the reflective confines of the Dorito’s gulag into that Sarlacc Pit you call a mouth – you know, the thing you wheeze out of. The rumbling beneath the buttery, soft veal rolls of your belly indicate that it is indeed time to feed. But alas, being fresh out of chippy goodness, Mom being at bingo, Father long dead from filial shame and what seems an infinitely long trek up the basement stairs, the frightening revelation of having to cook for yourself starts to creep into the beta-wave depleted recesses of your brain.

    But you hunger for something more than the usual Hot Pocket or frozen slab of Elios. You need something special that is worthy of the exhausting 10 stair climb into the horrifying realm of windows and natural light.

    Now, as with all quests – be it using deodorant or talking to the opposite sex – there will be elements of the unknown that will challenge and vex even the most stalwart of Halo and Call of Duty players.  For in this arena you are the noob. 

    But fret not, my greasy little troglodyte, for you have an usher on this journey in the grand tradition of spirit guides . So hold your double chin high with confidence as we sally forth into the kitchen, my agoraphobic amigo, because its time to cook geek.

    I came up with this recipe with four goals in mind: quick, easy, not too gross and cheap.  Basically, something that any cellar dwelling slob can make whilst the Xbox updates that is only minimally intimidating and won’t gag a hound off a gut-wagon.  Keep in mind, this isn’t going to be some exquisite culinary delight (though it’s by no means repulsive, at least to my own palette) and it should be more of a springboard to being a little more self sufficient and creative in your day to day life. Let’s begin.

    SS Dillon’s Ramen Surprise


    1 package of chicken flavored ramen noodles
    Frank’s Hot Sauce
    peanut butter
    garlic powder


    1. Bring about 2 cups of water to a boil on high heat in a 2 quart sauce pan.

    2. Sprinkle in the seasoning that came with the noodles into the water, stir, and then add the noodles.

    3. Boil noodles for about 3 minutes, stirring occasionally.

    4. Remove saucepan from heat and dump out 90% of the broth into the sink. Place the saucepan on the stove again and reduce to low-medium heat.

    5. Take bottle of hot sauce and shake 6 heavy squirts into noodles and stir until noodles are evenly coated.

    6. Add a dash of garlic powder to noodles and stir in.

    7. Finally, take a heaping teaspoon of peanut butter, stir until noodles are evenly coated. turn off heat, plop that shit on a plate and shovel it in your pie-hole.

    There you have it.  Something different for your taste buds that will only take about 5 minutes to make and provided mom already had the peanut butter/garlic powder/hot sauce in the cupboard,  should only cost about 25 cents.

    Happy eating – if it tastes like crap, you must have screwed it up somehow!