Mutagen Turned Cleaning Product

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  • When I was a kid, I would occasionally come upon one of those supermarket toy machines that would spit out a clear plastic bubble full of slime for a quarter. My mom would almost never give me a quarter for those machines in general, but if it was slime, the answer was absolutely no, all the time, no exceptions.

    You see, in addition to just being gross, slime was horrifically messy. It could stain wallpaper. Hell, it could stain walls. Worst of all, it could get ground in to the carpet and dry there, leaving it all brown and flaky. This was not a toy that was welcome in my house.

    Of course, Grandma Horvath didn’t know that.

    Thanks to her giving me a quarter to shut me up, I finally had myself some slime to… do what with exactly? Whilst pondering that, the all seeing eye of Mom caught me and, while she didn’t pitch the stuff immediately, did demand that it be brought outside. There it was poured over exactly three plastic soldiers before becoming irreparably covered in twigs, gravel, dirt and leaves. So ended the golden age of slime.

    Fast forward to yesterday, when an unremarkable envelope arrived for me at the office. Inside, contained in a resealable, airtight plastic pouch was a sample of Cyber Clean, ‘the high-tech cleaning compound’ that ‘catches dirt and harmful particles!’ Amazingly, this patented Swiss formula looks and feels exactly like slime and is expressly designed to clean bits of technology that thwart traditional cleaning methods.

    It isn’t totally the same as slime. For one, it is the same color as yellow snot as opposed to the classic slime green. Also, it smells as if it had soaked in a highly concentrated Pine-Sol marinade for several years. I touched this thing once for a period of about five minutes, have washed my hands multiple times and had a shower and I STILL smell it on my fingers. I have never smelled something so aggressively clean.

    To use the sli-I mean Cyber Clean, you simply spread it over your electronic doodad, your keyboard, for example. Then you mush it down real good and peal it back up. Voila! All the crumbs and dust that were lurking in the bottom of your keyboard are now trapped on the gooey Cyber Clean surface.

    Except they aren’t. They’re still at the bottom of your keyboard. The only thing that changed is now your hands stink of the uberlemon.

    If you need to clean your keyboard, ditch the snot and do it the old-fashioned way: turning it upside down and shaking it.

    Or better yet, don’t eat at your desk.

    Cyber Clean

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